Aftermath

First of all, I would like to apologize for having offended anyone for my use of brash language in the previous entry. It is very atypical of me to write in such a manner and know that I resorted to such vulgarity only because I was extremely upset at the time. Moving forward, I promise to try to bring myself beyond the initial base reaction before I begin writing.

In the unlikely event that you are curious as to what happened post "hanging up," I received an email the next morning from you-know-who calling me a dragon on a pedestal - an absolutely imperfect human being - and pointing out that among my many shortcomings, my "intimacy issues" and apparently low regard for him are what cause me to treat and use him with distrust and apathy. Interestingly, he ended the note with "From time to time, I may call but really Jen, being treated like you treat me ends now." He also said that me saying I was worried about his money situation was all "lip service." Note to self and you all - personal attacks and the refusal to take accountability for one's own feelings and actions are a glaring sign of immaturity.

I am extremely proud of the way I responded, placing my thoughts into bullet points and codifying them calmly. Here are the last 2 paragraphs and closing:

Last night was bad. I apologize for losing my temper on you… but I felt that all your accusations (even with the disclaimer that they were simply “how you feel”) were unfounded and unfair. I especially think you knew it would hurt my feelings when you told me Tina and Jason thought I was selfish and self-absorbed. I honestly don’t know why you plan on calling me still – from the sound and tone of your feelings and email, it’s like a lamb going to the “dragon” to be slaughtered every single time. Heh.

Please don’t bother calling. I think it would be a long time before we are able to really be friends. There is too much resentment and expectations on both sides which only time can dissolve. There is no need to reply to this email.

I hope you have a good day and best of luck with your life and career.

I think I did good. It's definitely much more satisfying, though it be harder, to take the high road. The following thought is inspired by what my dad said - it's okay to be a kind soul, but kind souls don't have to do crazy things or let themselves be taken advantage of.

When it rains, it pours. Big time.

WARNING: Colorful language will be used.

Holy shit. What's up with today? Mondays are usually not very bad but today was extraordinary! I was getting some funky vibes from most everybody - Charlie, even Marc, Legrand, and worst of all, Chris. Why I decided to call him tonight, I do not know. Well okay, he left me a "ping" notice on my msn and I have been worried about him for awhile now regarding his money situation (he had sms'd me a few weeks ago asking to borrow money), so I thought I'd give him a call.

I had turned him down as politely as I could. He couldn't seem to understand that it was extremely strange and uncomfortable on my part to lend him money especially given the recent talk we had about how I felt he used me for money while we were in a relationship and that we are EXes, for crying out loud. And he said what I think of him matters to him, and then he asks me? It just doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense to him either, apparently, how I could refuse to lend him something as measly as $20. I told him it wasn't the amount that mattered, it was the principle of the matter. But despite my discomfort, I was willing to scrounge up some dough and mail him a check. For goodness' sakes, it sounded like he was in pretty bad shape. But as soon as he started saying that I should wire it to him or whatever, even if a fee for the wiring needed to be deducted from the amount I was going to wire, it just, logically, didn't make sense to me. I mean, if you needed money right there and then, wouldn't you just think about the best person to ask who is LOCAL? Logically, this seems to be the best answer. Why would you want to go through some unecessary bullshit to get even less? At the time, he said it was okay, he understood and that he would resort to that. Tonight he gives me all this bullshit about using him for three years to get "experience", how I never wanted a husband from him, how I couldn't even lend him $20 when a friend ought to do something as SIMPLE as that... how he told his sister Tina and her husband Jason that I refused to help him and how they said that it was good for him as it was a wake up call to see just how selfish and self-absorbed *I* am. OH MY GOD. I couldn't believe my ears. This was the same couple that said thank you for my generosity for their wedding (having contributed the wedding cake) - a point that Chris used to argue to me that how dare I feed strangers I don't even know and not lend HIM $20! OH MY GOD! Is that an insane argument, or what?

I hung up on him.

I should have known it was bad news from the beginning. I should not have reconnected with him. Maybe there was this little timbre of hope of betterment or improvement or that it is simply best to unburden everything and forgive and forget. Maybe I was a little too optimistic. Maybe I'm simply naive. Maybe it was just a little too early.

I have made my mistakes in the past, naturally, and I am making them, still. But now, I am learning - listen to the ones with experience lest I suffer it to be my own.

And Charlie, I don't know what was wrong with you today, but damn, that's no way to treat someone you care about. Did you ever think that YOU might be the issue, not Shani or Louise? I understand adolescence is tough, but man...

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Smoke On the Mountain and other goings-on

It's been ages, it feels like. And finally, Shrew is over. While I do enjoy the time I now have to myself in the evenings, I really miss the cast and crew that have made the production so memorable. Fortunately, I am once again Assistant Directing a play, and this time, it's no other than the fantastic Beth directing it! Rehearsals start next week and this will be for "Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp." I am very touched she still decided to have me on her crew even if I was going to be out a lot for October. This is going to be a lot of fun, especially as she involved me in the audition process. We got to bounce ideas and candidates off each other. I think I'm really beginning to like being on the production side of things. I can't say I miss being onstage much, though I know the itch to perform will come soon. I really am so proud and so blessed to have found such a 2nd home with the friends I've made in the ACO.

It has not all been peachy keen, however. I recently posted this entry on my work site. I posted it there first because I was extremely emotional, at the time, and knew that the audience I had selected to be able to view my work blog would totally understand. Here it is:

WARNING: This is a griping entry.I have always taken pride in being "different." Well, it seems there are times when I should wish to be "hick-like". I apparently had a really great audition and talent to offer but I just don't have the "look" they are looking for as I'm too "exotic." I didn't take offense or anything at first, but as I thought about it, I realized that my "look" might be what will prevent me from ever being onstage here. I am afraid I may never be cast in a production simply because of that -unless we had Miss Saigon or Flower Drum Song or something similar playing here (which I honestly doubt will ever happen). It's quite frustrating. Ironically, if I were in Manila or a bigger city, I think I may have a bigger chance of being cast in a production somehow. I put my heart into all this and it's a wonderful experience being on the Directing or production side of it, but I'd be lying if I didn't say something tells me I'd always be taking that "role" unless something extraordinary happens, and that my heart is breaking, a little. :(

I think this is my first exposure to just how conservative things might be around here - a thought further cemented by the fact that TWO Asians are playing big roles in the current revival of Les Miz on Broadway - Lea Salonga, playing Fantine, and Ann Harada as Mme. Thenardier. They certainly don't have the look of being French, to me. But, they are there. Even Ali Ewoldt, the actress who plays Cosette, looks exotic! Granted, Smoke is set in the 1930's North Carolinas... ah well, I guess we'll see how things go in the next auditions. It's just frustrating to know that something I cannot change - like my race - is holding me back, plus this is my first experience to anything close to discrimination. I'll admit I might be overanalyzing here and going onstage may be something I'm just not cut out for (like my father just said - more on our phone call later!). I know that Harry's decisions are not racially fueled, but "look" fueled. A lot of people have been telling me to try out for Broadway, and I'm really beginning to think I have even better odds at getting cast there than here. Haha. Perhaps I should just pursue straight musical performance, without the theatre bit... Anyway, as it turns out, this all works, as I will be doing a lot of travel in October, plus AD'ing for Beth.

Shrew closed with a bang and was really successful. I managed to get the performance on tape and I'll hopefully find a way to post the whole thing online without having to chop it to pieces.

On another, more pleasant note, my boss Brad, and his peer Mark, the director of Development, finally came over to visit me here last week! They were accompanied the first day by Richard Power, one of the Acct. Managers, who flew in from Houston. It was AWESOME having them here. Not only did we have a groundbreaking series of meetings, we also got to explore a lot of the area (Beaver Lake, Joplin), AND, they got to watch my play! Mark also began thinking about the need for posting a Dev Business Analyst here. How exciting! I swear, I really need to start having a coworker here. I miss being in an office and being around and working with other people!

I'm currently already researching for schools to go to for my MBA. I have considered possibly going to school physically as a part time or full time student (as opposed to distance learning). My thought is, if things are already set up here in BVille by the time I go to school, why can't I work from wherever my school's at? We'll see. I know Brad will have a heart attack if I even bring this up with him. Haha. I just don't want to miss out on great choices and opportunities like Columbia University, MIT, Dartmouth, and even Harvard, just because I need an online program. If you're going for it, you might as well go for it fullscale! My previous first choice, Thunderbird University, has apparently slipped off the ranks because of their lax admissions, despite being the best program for International Business.

And now for the most fantastical news ever: I AM FINALLY GOING TO NEW YORK!!!! TWICE, EVEN!!!!
This October, I'm flying in because we will be judges in the SIFE World Cup. How exciting is that? We are flying in on a Wednesday but I will stay the weekend to spend some time with my friends in the area! And then... I am going back in December for my Christmas vacation!! Oh my goodness, I am so excited. I will be meeting up with my YT BFF Charlie and we are going to raid Broadway like nothing. We already have tickets for Les Miz, Hairspray, and Spring Awakening. We need to get a few more for Avenue Q, The Little Mermaid, Wicked, and Rent. And we are getting all the best seats available. Muahaha. Why bother holding back? It's not like we go there everyday! He doesn't know this, though, but I'm treating him to Spring Awakening and Rent. :D

Ok, I just got a call from my dad. :S It seems he won't be retiring until the end of this year :( He was supposed to visit me in October! He said he'll probably come in April so it's not as cold. Sigh. I sure hope he gets some rest soon and stops working. The man is a workaholic! (Yes, I get it from him, but it IS hard to quit when you love what you do so much). Anyway, I just wanted to publicly declare how much I love this man and just how wonderful a father he is. I love you, dad!!!! May God bless you always.

Well, I'm off to bed before I get extra high on adrenalin YET again. :)

Ciao!

Smokin' the Mountain

Well. I have officially completed my first musical theatre try out. And oh my gosh was I nervous! My knees were buckling and my voice was shaking. But you know, who the hell cares? The point is you put yourself out there - and learn, and learn, and learn, until you master your art. Harry was kind enough to call out to me that I did a wonderful job as I got back to my seat, after my song. I also got some compliments from other auditionees who had obviously done this whole thing before. That made me feel really good! There was also a reading and harmonics part to the auditions and I think I did really well in that. I pretty much lost my nerves by that time and just let go, had fun, and did as best as I could.

I didn't do all this for a part. I did it for the experience - to finally inch closer towards that comfort level I so long for on the stage because I so desperately want to be able to perform on stage and perform well. I know God gave me a gift and I gotta use it. What a waste if I hold back! So, I decided not to. As Harry said, you gotta put yourself out there because nothing will teach you like experience. And so, I did.

James, Valerie, and Anne were all there to audition, too. It was so comforting having them all with me. A lot of talented people were there. I must say that I really liked Valerie's singing audition. She had this most sincere and earthy vibe and I really admired her. James' reading was excellent. I think he will do really well in theatre. I see in Anne something of myself. She gives you the impression that she's a bit shy but she really strives to put herself out there on stage, as well. She has also always been ever kind and sweet. Curt was fantastic, and so was Janis!

Anyhow, just wanted to post something on the auditions as it's definitely one big milestone in my life. Not that traumatizing... and I'd certainly do it again :)

Good night!

Opening Night

Opening Night is finally over. The show was very well received and tonight was our 3rd public performance. Thursday was the first, and that show was our Final Dress rehearsal. Everyone is doing great. I am so proud of everyone involved in the show. It is clear that the actors understand the text more and more with each performance, and every little adjustment or change to interpretation makes a HUGE difference in the impact to the audience.

I have been running the show since tech rehearsals started and I am really, really enjoying it! It satiates the control freak in me :) I call the cues, when the show starts, etc., etc. and I get to wear a headset. Muahahaha. I'm addicted. A lot of the actors and most importantly, our director, have said that I am doing a super job. To be honest, I think my job is real easy simply because most everyone I work with is just wonderful.

I have to gush about the lead actors in the show. I love Beth a lot. She is the actress that plays Katharine, the "Shrew." She is so grounded and down to earth and super nice, and apparently, she's been in theatre for years! In fact, she's going to direct the theatre's upcoming production of Aladdin. I already told her I would love to be her AD for the show. She always has her lines down and is super sweet. And Phil! Oh my goodness, Phil. He consistently performs with an unparallelled energy, is always very courteous and very down to earth, as well. I can tell he takes his art/work very seriously. I think Harry, our director, could not have selected a better Katharine and Petruchio.

I am absolutely blessed, honored, and humbled to work with such a fantastic group of people. We have 5 more performances to go, and while I can't wait for a break, I am sure I will absolutely miss the fun and thrill of Shrew.

Off to auditions on Monday for Smoke on the Mountain.

Good night!