BLACKOUT

I found myself the other day reminiscing about my last University performance. It was held sometime in January of my last year (2003) atop the forbidden 7th floor roofdeck of the ACB and began at sundown. I remember being strenuously ill, causing Rhea, my fabulous twin and partner in crime, to freak out, as well. I had gotten sick at the last minute. So we began our performance with a disclaimer and a Happy Birthday song. Half of "Amazing Grace" was celebrating her birthday that night, and her family was there. I was determined to make it special.

I'd say that was the most vulnerable, emotionally naked, and selfless performance of my life. For the first time, I totally wasn't afraid. I was there to share and I was going to give my all, my best. For Rhea, and for the audience. We all had a fantastic time. It was the most heartfelt moment I've ever had onstage. I'm sure Rhea would say the same. At the end of it, we hugged, we embraced, we held all our loved ones. We just knew that was going to be the last time, as relatively innocent, unworldly, hopeful and promising students, that we were going to do that kind of thing again. It was also post the Shakespeare workshop, and just like the loyal friends and absolutely fantastic friends they were, my fellow Shakespeare alumnae were all there in full force. Our practice tape (which I had successfully nicked before leaving for the States) is at fault for conjuring up these memories. And I realize now that for all the challenges I had met with during my last year at University, I was truly and undoubtedly happy.

I found myself browsing my University's website, today. It brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of where I come from, a fledgling, promising University whose students are a world apart from what the rest of society seems to stereotype them to be. It was there that I made some of the best friends a girl could ever have, and made friends with some of the best people one could ever meet. And academically, it is certainly building quite a reputation for itself. What especially brought out an overwhelming surge of emotion in me is the page that talked about the MA in Humanities, specialising in Literature or History... the course that I wanted to switch to, before going to IT Master's (whose thesis I never finished, not regrettably ;)). It is my one regret in life, folks. I SHOULD have switched. My BS degree (in IT) would have gotten me "fed", anyway. God, I knew I had saturated the experience come end of 4th year. I don't think I'll get over this burden until I accomplish the MA I so desperately desire in England.

I've been researching about schools and courses and get depressed every time... they all seem to require (or expect) at least an English degree beforehand. Plus, it really is tougher if you are working and want to go back to School. All your money, instead of getting saved towards what you want to do, goes to bills. I won't lose hope, though. I refuse to do it.

You know, when I first chose my University, I had a feeling my father resented me for it. I rejected going to his Alma Mater (one of the best in the country) and instead took a chance with a young yet promising University like mine. To this day, I thank God for that decision. So the lesson here is, DO NOT LET ANYTHING - whether it be the norms of society, what others "higher than you" say, or whatever - DISSUADE YOU FROM PURSUING THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART. Be true to yourself. It takes courage, yes. But you'll never, ever have the rough burden I am now having to deal with - the pain of regret.

I just want to wallow and let out the pangs of my heart, today. But I swear and promise, this is the last time I'll ever do this to myself. Ever.

My Passion for Strings: A Brief Interlude

Tonight I chanced upon the musical nuances of a young artist named Damien Rice. Good heavens. How I have lived this far without drowning in and hearing of this kind of music, I do not know (he is now presently part of my wishlist). What a musician. And reading reviews, thus, I have determined exactly what my favorite musical genre is: Contemporary Folk.

I love the sound of a solo guitar, and that of a solo cello. Make these two sing a duet and I will believe I have died and gone to heaven. Perhaps it is the sheer intimacy of holding the instrument close to your bosom, or to clutch it so dear at the base of all human vulnerability, one's heart and soul cannot help but stir and wallow in a deep, deep, catharsis, while thoughts run a flutter, like autumn leaves dancing in a lazy, wistful, fleeting afternoon breeze. Maybe because every subtle stroke or caress of the bow makes such a difference to every single note, shaping pure joy or a deep, beautiful melancholy.

That's all, I just have to rave. I have yet to continue yesterday's post.

Ciao, folks, wherever you are :)

Wow.

Wow. It's been such a while. When did I post last? A couple months ago?

I've been more or less 80 hours in the hole's worth of OT hours, just so you know. It's a bright, beautiful Sunday. And where am I? Yes, you guessed it. I'm in the office. It's not that I'm a workaholic (and now I can practically see the collective rolling of the eyes :P)... I just HAVE to come here today because the damn system is SO clogged during weekdays, I have no chance of delivering what I promised to deliver my client. It's damn fucked up and I'm extremely frustrated, which is why I am cursing.

I think I'm burning out in work and in everything, as a result, because my life has so much been work, work, work, and countless sacrifices to get to where I am now. I guess it's time to ask myself if it's all even worth it. I still, ever so desperately, want to go to England, or at least study words and literature, English, performance... I'm even not beginning to care where, anymore. I looked through the roster of English professors at UT. Quite an impressive list, I must say: people from Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard... There are a few who seem to have the same interest I have, and I plan to contact them next year. I have my goal, yes. I guess my biggest stumbling block right now is HOW to get there in the first place. I figure the best way to go about it is to consult with people who have actually BEEN on that road. Maybe even consult with an academic advisor. We'll see. I think I really should stop pressuring myself and take life slowly, nice and smooth. True to my zodiac sign, I sometimes feel like I simply grapple life by the horns, fussing, and worrying, and stressing, and all that nonsense. Hah! Maybe because I just know what I don't WANT to be. "Moderation, Jen, moderation; don't get too much on your plate," as dad always says. My boss will kill me if he finds out I'm here, hehe...

Well much has happened, for sure. For one thing, I got my friend Letti a job. She now works with me in my awesome, awesome team, and will be approaching her third month come December. I also got a nice raise. BUT taxes don't really help, so really, I'm just getting a $100 a paycheck raise. I'm trying to look into how we can avert that >:) I also, according to my boss, got the best ever scorecard he's given anybody in all his years in management. Hah! He said he was ready to puke. I got an EXCEPTIONAL/SUPERIOR rating across ALL categories we were being scorecarded on. I bet he just feels bad I do all this OT work and not really bitch about it ;) Well, I DO love my work and my workplace, as I told my boss, it's 50% the kind of work I do and 50% the environment. He really is a SUPER AWESOME boss and I only wish I could be half the kind of person and boss he is someday :)

For another, I got back in touch with Sylvia, my trainer from Dell. She has finally quit Dell and is hoping to start anew - start having a life outside of work, again. She used to work a freaking 100 hours a week and not even get recognized for it. Geez. Oh the nasty things I could say about Dell... For one thing, I don't understand how they could be one of the best employers, ever, because to them, you are nothing more than a dispensable little machine. Grrr. If they could get away with child or slave labor, they'd probably do it ;)

I have not been able to do any artsy stuff such as writing, theatre, or music, as of late. Just working really and trying to get back in touch with friends, in other words, trying to be a better friend. Trying to read more. I'm in the middle of Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys right now. I'll admit his writing style and subject matter is something I have to get used to. I got so used to poetic prose that sears a mark deep down in your soul, intellectually and spiritually soul-stirring, heart and gut-wrenching. Sigh. I got spoiled with Kostova's The Historian. I love that book. I can't praise it enough. It's my first vampire book but it's much more than that. Her words, her style, her subject matter, her themes. Good lord. Something I can immerse myself into over and over again. I'd reread the book in a heartbeat. Highly recommended.

My friend Ryan's last post as of this writing is about the iPod. I hate Steve Jobs. Why and how on earth could he come up with something so groundbreakingly fabulous practically right after I invest my hard earned cashola in an iPod mini?!?! :'( I still love my mini though. I haven't even named him/her yet. Any suggestions? :D

I shall have to continue these ruminations some other time, as well as save the most profound, wondrously inspiring news for another post... the sun is about to set. :)

See you at the tracks!