The Gun (Pistol) I Want

That's right. This pistol kicks ass.

Custom Safari Arms 1911 Matchmaster with an extended magazine, titanium Yanek compensator and custom engraving. (http://www.imfdb.org/index.php?title=Wanted)

Review here. I lust for it more than I do the Springfield Armory 1911 Custom model.

Tungsten

Orange light,
Not white;
Soft, natural,
Opening, closing,
Dimming, bright
Beauteous might
In midmorning light -
Dreamy sight,
Clandestine release,
Subrosa delight.

It was only a matter of time...

...'till Beedle the Bard got released to the public.

That's right. The ultra-exclusive, 7 copy, handmade and handwritten book is now available in a supposed-to-be-accurate-replica for public consumption!

Although, I must point out that the Collector's Edition does require quite an investment for a book ($100 a pop... and being the Potterholic I am, I don't care :D Of COURSE, I've pre-ordered it!). Thankfully, there is also a mass produced version for more pragmatic muggles.

In fact, I got one for me, and one for my beloved best friends in the Philippines. I just wanted to post a celebratory note. Teeheehee.

Pre-Order your exclusive copy now here. It's supposed to be available exclusively through Amazon, but I'm sure it will show up in eBay and other similar websites soon enough. (Hmm, wonder if I should buy some to auction off...)

The T**** Still Rumbles

I happened to look at my Blog Archive tonight and saw a pretty sad sight.

For the year of 2008, how many entries do I have?

2.

This is only the third. And on 08/08/08, how awesome is that? Well, third time's supposed to be a charm. 8 is my favorite number and it's supposed to be an extremely lucky number, if the Chinese are right. (I wonder if it's no accident the Olympics started in Beijing today). So does this mean I get 3 times as much luck? Well man, do I need it.

Things are actually better at work and a lot of it, I think, has to do with my conscious effort to just do the best I can in spite of - even because of - the circumstances. As a lot of motivational thoughts out there tout so often - a lot of it has to do with attitude.

I am slowly getting a bit frazzled with thoughts of getting in to school lately (mounting pressure on school selections and the need to do EXTREMELY well on the GMAT) that I'm going a little bit berserk, now. But at the end of the day, all I can do is my best.

And hopefully, my best will be good enough. Besides, worrying won't help at all! (Watch me do my pep talk with myself ;)).

Plus, in or not, there's always NYC ;)

By the way, I just want to shoot out a thanks to Chris. If not for his constant support and advice, the past few months would have been very, very, ugly! He is with his dad and Maria right now. I'm glad they're getting to spend the time together.

Love you, Chrissy!

Gasping for Air

As usual, I emerge from nothingness in a moment of catharsis, rekindling the blog-fire that has been suppressed, pushed aside, forgotten all this while.

Hello.

It's me.

And for the nth time, I'm back.

It's true, isn't it? A lot of the times, we forget to stop and smell the roses. And while it is important to feed that hungry demon of goal and ambition in us to fulfill what we consider our life's purpose, it is equally, if not more important, to stop awhile and appreciate life as it is - our blessings, our torments, our triumphs and heartaches. Making the most out of life, after all, does not mean we singularly pursue that one goal, allocating all our available resources toward its achievement. No. It means allowing ourselves to let go and immerse our too-busy minds in the beauty of the universe.

I'm tired of wallowing. Work has not been at its best, and frankly, I defined myself by work for the longest time. True, it is very hard to sustain a degree of self-confidence and self-worth in a determinedly negative environment, but does that mean we stop trying? If we don't find ourselves a fit in a particular "job description," does that mean we are a failure? Am I really that arrogant to think I can do *anything*?

Two things have been going against me, I think:
1. My refusal to ask for help. And if I were to accede with brutal honesty and answer the question why, I have one word: PRIDE.
2. Recently, my good intentions almost always lead to something BAD. I don't know why, and I don't know if it's related to #1. But I think a lot of it has to do with my diminished self-confidence post-Brad. If you have been an avid reader of my blog, you will know that Brad is my beloved ex-boss, whom I absolutely adored and considered my mentor, pseudo-dad, and friend. And for him to suddenly turn cold on me "for the sake of professionalism", and worse, continuously act like I don't exist, kills me to the core. It is so easy to speculate on what recent circumstances have done to him, and I doubt I will ever know the truth. But I really believe that paradigm shift or not, that is no way to treat someone you were supposed to be "the biggest fan of."

I am at a loss right now on how to deal with people. It is true that people's true colors really come out in times of adversity, and man is this one. For a supposed people person, I am very confused, and it's probably because I have never had to deal with such circumstances in the workplace. It would be so easy if it were personal life - you can scream and yell and bitch and moan all you want but at the end of it, you can kiss and makeup and that person will not think less of you. Unless they were a girl/boy friend or a fairweather friend :) At work, make a wrong move, and your reputation that took you months and years to build is tarnished instantly. And you have all this politicking!

I see that my last entry was way back in January. A quick recap of work updates since then:
1. February
I was transferred to report to Bruce, our CEO.
Lots of tension built up in IG.
Rachel and I "officially" fell apart. Both our faults, I think. I don't think either of us did the best of jobs dealing with a poorly executed project. I think what sucks the most is we were very good friends before, sisters, even. I tried to seek amends, but she didn't want to, which introduced me to a whole new (real?) side of her. I am ever the optimist, believing the best of people (which is ironic, given my childhood). Even if people were hearing/saying negative about her, I'd always defend her, saying she only had the best intentions. She has always been politically savvy, and maybe she has simply gotten the better of me. I don't know. But it really is too bad. We had lots of fun times.
Dan moves to AR.
3. March
I move to Rogers.
I think this is when things started to officially go downhill in AR. I think Dan and I feed off each other's negativity. I moreso off of Dan. I've always been the positive type, and Dan the cynical realist. And it's hard to retain positivity when I have issues, myself.
2. April/May
I adopt two beautiful kitties - Boots and Bella - and meet Alex, a very beautiful and intelligent, but troubled neighbor. She is able to give me some insight on why we are not happy on where we are at.
I get moved to Account Management and report to Tom. I'm still trying to find my rapport with Tom. RW3's upper echelons really equates to "the good ole boys' club." I think Tom is a great guy and a good manager, but I must admit that Brad really spoiled and protected me from a lot of what's out there.
3. June
I fly to Manila to celebrate Sarah's beautiful wedding. What a wonderful reprieve. I spent 3 wonderful weeks with family and friends. A lot of wounds heal. Some are left scabbed, but finally left alone.
4. July
It's time to fight for positivity. I fight for it everyday, up to now. And I am studying for my GMATs. I'd say a lot of my motivation now comes from outside of work - Graduate school, family, and friends. But I am still not happy.
5. August
The one question lingers: How do you know when YOU have an issue adapting to change or if something is just not the right fit?
Studying for the GMAT, visiting and researching on schools.
I decide to try with Chris, who seems to have grown far more than I have the past couple of years.
It's an everyday struggle - how do I deal with the situation and not compromise and lose myself in the process? I simply want to do good, and be good. I still don't know how. Not yet, anyway. Maybe it's a lesson I stubbornly refuse to learn. Maybe I just always expect things to work out a certain way, according to ME. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I should just get a grip and learn to let go and adjust.

A lot of things are churning in my head right now, if you can't already tell. I'm a bit confused workwise. But thankfully, I'm pretty focused outside. I think God's trying to tell me something. I have a feeling he's putting me here so I can learn my lesson now AND push me to be able to move on and pursue graduate school and move to a bigger city (you know what I'm talking about!). He probably knows I would never have the strength to leave RW3 if I still had that strong bond with Brad. I just hope I am able to overcome my many shortcomings - impatience, selfishness, pride, and stubbornness.

This is all so very humbling.

But I know, love will get me through to the end: from Him, from family, and from people who genuinely care for me. Hopefully, I'll be able to give as much - or even more - than I receive.


I really am just trying to be the best I can be. I desperately want to be that. I want to be a good person. At work, at home, and anywhere in between.

(Apologies for tonight's incoherence. I am in an unusual and convoluted state of mind.)

God Bless.

Hardcore De-briefing

Man!!! That one month out and about must have taken a serious toll on me. I suppose it was a bit stressful to travel about AND work, just after a pinched nerve and oral surgery :) In fairness, I did travel through 3 different time zones and managed to acquire only little bits of sleep therein. I must be getting old, ha!

I really enjoyed travelling out there in New York and Vegas, but I must say I did miss my home. And this is going to sound pathetic - I missed my home a lot especially because I could work better there. There! I said it! Also, strangely enough, my last couple weeks on vacation, I got a painful pang about Austin. I miss it there. I feel like I'm missing out so much on important events surrounding people I love and care for: Brad's divorce, Capri's wedding, and the Christmas party with the gang. I didn't even get to do that. On top of all that, we are going through tremendous re-org right now, and several not-quite-rumors-but-facts have it that I will not be reporting to Brad very soon. Naturally, this pains me. But I know I also have to grow and I know Brad wants nothing less than growth for me, no matter what.

It's just all been a bit confusing lately.

Well, first of all, I really didn't get to rest as soon as I got home. I got home Sunday and then was hit by a flurry of Sales Meetings and other sales-related events Monday-Wednesday. And then I received various types of change-related emails Thursday-Friday. I feel quite demoted, honestly. Maybe it's just my pride; maybe it's just my depressed self. I think I am depressed post NY and LV even if I missed it back here. Who wouldn't be? With friends and family plus all sorts of things going around you 24/7, that's the place to be. I'm beginning to wonder if I am wasting my time behind this desk or if I am simply going through the motions because I know the future holds great things in store for me if I stick with this long enough. I don't know. I'm very confused right now.

Another thing that confuses me is the "reporting to" situation. I know Brad right now is trying to recover the team into a non-stop billing machine. From what I hear, there have been some issues revolving around other people. I know he's in survival mode. So it confuses me when he sort of tries to push me away (he's probably thinking he's helping me move on for when I officially start reporting to Tom or Bruce) and yet puts a hold on me to make sure I am at least 50% billing for the team. Now, it's like he's trying to micromanage everyone - including me - yet put some distance with me. It's quite a weird thing.

And yet another thing is Tom's sudden aggressive burst to pursue sales calls here in BV. I don't know if it's his way of making sure WE succeed or if it's his way of setting Dan and myself up for success or if it's his way of making sure HE succeeds. I don't know Tom well enough yet. I like him personally, but based on Brad's history with him, I am kind of cautious.

Sigh.

I am finding it very hard to motivate myself to work, right now. I owe so much time to my timesheet, it's not even funny. I feel like I'm sucking at work, right now, and that I am so far away. I feel like nothing's happening, and that nothing can be done. I feel like I'm just moving around and that I can't move and shake things.

It's most likely just one of those times for me. After all the uptimes, I suppose I should have expected some downtime.

Ah well, at least one thing stays clear. I am going to pursue my MBA next year come hell or high water.

Thankful.

Grateful. Appreciative.

I just wanted to write a quick entry to express how THANKFUL I am for all of God's blessings:
GREAT friends, life experiences, people who love me and whom I love deeply - my family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. God, I know I don't deserve all this but wow. You floor me. Thank you.

Bee-lated Happy Christmas from the Big Apple

I hope you all had a super fantabulous wonderful and blessed Christmas!

I had the honor and privilege of spending my Christmas Holiday with Alvin, a long-lost good friend of mine from way back in University, and his family in Jersey City. I had a fantastic time. Everyone was so nice and I felt like I was truly part of the family. Alvin, thank you so much for letting me spend the Holidays with you. I love you. You're a great friend.

Before all this though, my NY trip would not have been possible without my friend and sister, Maan. Maan, I have no idea why, but our paths always seem to cross, especially when we need each other most. First, Manila, next Beijing, next Singapore, next Chicago, now NYC. I am so glad to have you in my life and know that I will always be here for you. I love you mucho, mare.

And of course, a mad shout out goes out to my "little brother," Charlie. Charlie dear, we were so right in assuming we'd have a fantabulous time together in NYC! I had such a blast with you, I hope you enjoyed your time, too. Here's to our next great adventure (in Europe? ;))!

Terrence - it was so great to see you, dearie! It sucks we didn't get to spend much time together but I sure am looking forward to seeing you in Vegas. Muah! Hope you managed to have a good Christmas!

I will be here in New York from Dec 18th - Jan 3rd. It is an impossibly long (YAY ;)) time, I know, but I am working the week of the 24th through when I leave. I figure I'm here so I might as well celebrate New Year's here, as well! I'm really enjoying my time here. Charlie and I got to watch 4 Broadway shows with really great seats, and we had such a blast. If you ever get the chance, please watch Wicked it is an AMAZING show - I've seen it twice now and can't wait to see it again. The other shows we got to watch were Les Miz, Hairspray, and Spring Awakening. All were great, but Wicked just left me in awe!

The other two shows I'm planning to watch before I go are Phantom and Jump, and then I'm off to Vegas to help prepare for my gran's 90th Birthday celebration!
Just thought I'd post a quick update. I'll post more details next.

For now, may God Bless you and your family even more abundantly in the coming New Year and beyond!

Much love.

Jenny

Aftermath

First of all, I would like to apologize for having offended anyone for my use of brash language in the previous entry. It is very atypical of me to write in such a manner and know that I resorted to such vulgarity only because I was extremely upset at the time. Moving forward, I promise to try to bring myself beyond the initial base reaction before I begin writing.

In the unlikely event that you are curious as to what happened post "hanging up," I received an email the next morning from you-know-who calling me a dragon on a pedestal - an absolutely imperfect human being - and pointing out that among my many shortcomings, my "intimacy issues" and apparently low regard for him are what cause me to treat and use him with distrust and apathy. Interestingly, he ended the note with "From time to time, I may call but really Jen, being treated like you treat me ends now." He also said that me saying I was worried about his money situation was all "lip service." Note to self and you all - personal attacks and the refusal to take accountability for one's own feelings and actions are a glaring sign of immaturity.

I am extremely proud of the way I responded, placing my thoughts into bullet points and codifying them calmly. Here are the last 2 paragraphs and closing:

Last night was bad. I apologize for losing my temper on you… but I felt that all your accusations (even with the disclaimer that they were simply “how you feel”) were unfounded and unfair. I especially think you knew it would hurt my feelings when you told me Tina and Jason thought I was selfish and self-absorbed. I honestly don’t know why you plan on calling me still – from the sound and tone of your feelings and email, it’s like a lamb going to the “dragon” to be slaughtered every single time. Heh.

Please don’t bother calling. I think it would be a long time before we are able to really be friends. There is too much resentment and expectations on both sides which only time can dissolve. There is no need to reply to this email.

I hope you have a good day and best of luck with your life and career.

I think I did good. It's definitely much more satisfying, though it be harder, to take the high road. The following thought is inspired by what my dad said - it's okay to be a kind soul, but kind souls don't have to do crazy things or let themselves be taken advantage of.

When it rains, it pours. Big time.

WARNING: Colorful language will be used.

Holy shit. What's up with today? Mondays are usually not very bad but today was extraordinary! I was getting some funky vibes from most everybody - Charlie, even Marc, Legrand, and worst of all, Chris. Why I decided to call him tonight, I do not know. Well okay, he left me a "ping" notice on my msn and I have been worried about him for awhile now regarding his money situation (he had sms'd me a few weeks ago asking to borrow money), so I thought I'd give him a call.

I had turned him down as politely as I could. He couldn't seem to understand that it was extremely strange and uncomfortable on my part to lend him money especially given the recent talk we had about how I felt he used me for money while we were in a relationship and that we are EXes, for crying out loud. And he said what I think of him matters to him, and then he asks me? It just doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense to him either, apparently, how I could refuse to lend him something as measly as $20. I told him it wasn't the amount that mattered, it was the principle of the matter. But despite my discomfort, I was willing to scrounge up some dough and mail him a check. For goodness' sakes, it sounded like he was in pretty bad shape. But as soon as he started saying that I should wire it to him or whatever, even if a fee for the wiring needed to be deducted from the amount I was going to wire, it just, logically, didn't make sense to me. I mean, if you needed money right there and then, wouldn't you just think about the best person to ask who is LOCAL? Logically, this seems to be the best answer. Why would you want to go through some unecessary bullshit to get even less? At the time, he said it was okay, he understood and that he would resort to that. Tonight he gives me all this bullshit about using him for three years to get "experience", how I never wanted a husband from him, how I couldn't even lend him $20 when a friend ought to do something as SIMPLE as that... how he told his sister Tina and her husband Jason that I refused to help him and how they said that it was good for him as it was a wake up call to see just how selfish and self-absorbed *I* am. OH MY GOD. I couldn't believe my ears. This was the same couple that said thank you for my generosity for their wedding (having contributed the wedding cake) - a point that Chris used to argue to me that how dare I feed strangers I don't even know and not lend HIM $20! OH MY GOD! Is that an insane argument, or what?

I hung up on him.

I should have known it was bad news from the beginning. I should not have reconnected with him. Maybe there was this little timbre of hope of betterment or improvement or that it is simply best to unburden everything and forgive and forget. Maybe I was a little too optimistic. Maybe I'm simply naive. Maybe it was just a little too early.

I have made my mistakes in the past, naturally, and I am making them, still. But now, I am learning - listen to the ones with experience lest I suffer it to be my own.

And Charlie, I don't know what was wrong with you today, but damn, that's no way to treat someone you care about. Did you ever think that YOU might be the issue, not Shani or Louise? I understand adolescence is tough, but man...

Let's see what tomorrow brings.