The Dead Woman

One of my favorite, if not my favorite, poems of all time:

The Dead Woman by Pablo Neruda

La Muerta	The Dead Woman
Si de pronto no existes,	If suddenly you do not exist,
si de pronto no vives,	if suddenly you no longer live,
yo seguiré viviendo.	I shall live on.
No me atrevo,	I do not dare,
no me atrevo a escribirlo,	I do not dare to write it,
si te mueres.	if you die.
Yo seguiré viviendo.	I shall live on.
Porque donde no tiene voz un hombre	For where a man has no voice,
allí, mi voz.	there, my voice.
Donde los negros sean apaleados,	Where blacks are beaten,
yo no puedo estar muerto.	I cannot be dead.
Cuando entren en la cárcel mis hermanos	When my brothers go to prison
entraré yo con ellos.	I shall go with them.
Cuando la victoria,	When victory,
no mi victoria,	not my victory,
sino la gran victoria	but the great victory
llegue,	comes,
aunque esté mudo debo hablar:	even ithough I am mute I must speak;
yo la veré llegar aunque esté ciego.	I shall see it come even though I am blind.
No, perdóname.	No, forgive me.
Si tú no vives,	If you no longer live,
si tú, querida, amor mío,	if you, beloved, my love,
si tú	if you
te has muerto,	have died,
todas las hojas caerán en mi pecho,	all the leaves will fall in my breast,
lloverá sobre mi alma noche y día,	it will rain on my soul night and day,
la nieve quemará mi corazón,	the snow will burn my heart,
andaré con frío y fuego y muerte y nieve,	I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,
mis pies querrán marchar hacia donde tú duermes,	my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping,
pero	but
seguiré vivo,	I shall stay alive,
porque tú me quisiste sobre todas las cosas	because above all things you wanted me
indomable,	indomitable,
y, amor, porque tú sabes que soy no sólo un hombre	and, my love, because you know that I am not only a man
sino todos los hombres.	but all mankind.

Hear the one and only Alan Rickman's rendition of it.

Ce soir Je ne peux pas écrire: An account of what I owe

Chapter 1: Full Spectrum #9

Full Spectrum Nature (tm): Create a sense of overall balance with these centering, grounding aromas.

What does this say about my character, I wonder?

Apparently, this is my favored kind of essence out of the plethora of fragrances available from Aveda's pure-fume spirit. I had received a coupon in the mail, you see - Happy Birthday from Aveda! Free .5 oz bottle of your very own choosing that best suits you and your bodily chemistry. Being one to jump at anything in the likeness of free and of quality, I headed straight to the mall after work on my birthday.

Apparently, I am of a type Full Spectrum #9: an emulsion of cedarwood, ylang-ylang, and some other rich, herbal, exotic ingredients. Mmmm. I love it. The battle was between this and an Earth Nature scent, I believe, one more citrusy and fruity. I'm glad I chose this. It is equally very musky, earthy, mysterious, sensual, profound, and poignant. The scent easily transports me to memories of staying in bamboo huts in some hidden resort for the summer, the beach a few minutes' walk away; palm trees swaying all around me, the wind blowing gently, trees and leaves swaying and moving, sarong blowing in the wind, waves crashing distantly on the shore... laying lazily on the sand sometimes, then traversing the endless sands, crossing a meandering stream, diving and feeling the salt water engulf my body as I plunge into the bottom of the ocean. Sigh. I miss those days. Anyway, I also ended up getting a $14 bottle of detox tea leaves. Why, you ask, that's preposterous! Well, I've been looking for good detox tea for AGES and this was exactly what I was looking for.

Chapter 2: The Body Shop

Let's just say I made the most out of my celebratory Birthday budget in this place. Next...

Chapter 3: The Lady in Pink

If I hadn't made it clear yet, these are all things that happened April 25th.... MY DAY :D It was the first time I celebrated my birthday like that. Very laid back, no big fuss, really. And it was great. Pause for a stop at Seattle's Best Coffee for my favorite Raspberry Italian Soda with a touch of cream. Yum. That day was the first day in my life I wore a flower in my hair, going out in public. It was a dusty pink flower to match my top, and I daresay I looked pretty :P Anyway, this chapter is named so not out of vanity, because I am not talking about me... Strawberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Ice Cream Cake, a bouquet of flowers, balloons, and a card later :)))... I am talking about Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. It was such a fun and lovely movie. I really enjoyed it.

Chapter 4: Regression #1 (as if the rest of these chapters aren't) - And They Loved It

Rewind to Tuesday the week before, third to the last session of our Musical Theatre workshop at the Zach Scott Theatre. I sang my rendition of They're Playing Our Song. And whoa, they LOVED it! I wasn't expecting that kind of applause nor that kind of performance from my end. But well they loved it. I didn't know what to say and still don't. I suppose I AM outgrowing all the dramatic, serious type songs and am really beginning to show more of who I am in my work, or at least when I'm not acting and just being myself. I used to be the dramatic, pretty song type of person, but now I find myself attracted to the happy, carefree, rhythmic type of songs. I guess that's just me or who I've become. It goes to show how much I've gone out of my shell, I believe. And I think it's the same for Michelle, my colleague in the workshop. She gets all these prissy songs. It's just her. As are fun, quirky songs with personality me. I'm so sick and tired of wanting to "sound pretty" or please others. I just want to be me. I suppose it's natural for us to want to make other people happy. But really, we have GOT to realize that we must make ourselves happy first in order to make other people truly partake in true happiness. In other words, you can't give what you don't have!

Chapter 5: No I'm not married to my work, but I do love it

Just a quick rundown - Brad gave me a new account. I've only been, what, 2 months on Nestle (our biggest client, I might add), and he's giving me a new account. Time Warner. Shauna, Time Warner's account manager, presented my report prototypes to them yesterday. And this is what she said they said or whatever: The meeting went great. They were very impressed with what they saw. I heard the comment "This looks like the sky is the limit, it's great." So much for Brad's slants. Yes, Brad, boss or not, I still OWN you, hahaha! >:) And Ry, your free SI
subscription looks promising ;)

Also, I managed to finish Brad's requested article on Excel Dashboarding yesterday. After the roll he was on that morning (him and his slants, especially, I swear he must be on something or he's PMS-ing :P) , I started to get just a little worried as he got more serious, especially after reading my article, I think... I got worried he didn't like it, though he would say it was awesome. Even when he gave me the news on Time Warner, he looked grave. Or maybe he just ran out of energy (thank God) :D I hate being overly analytical sometimes, it could be such a bane.

Chapter 6: The Week Past and the Week Ahead

So basically, this week was HELL week for me. I was SO busy, Brad began to tease me, as when Shawna asked me if I had time to go over some KCAN reports with her, he said, no she does not... why don't you try Monday? Evening? Hahaha, very funny. Brad would practically pant when I'd run through my to do list for him, and Ruth would say "You still here?" affectionately in the morning when she'd come in. It's a Taurus thing, this workaholism. But I do like to have fun ;) It just so happens I love what I do and I respect the people around me a great deal (yes, even if I OWN them hahahaha). Also, I'm presenting to the Sr. VP of Pepsi this Monday with Bruce (our CEO) and Tom (Team Manager of Account Management)! Exciting! Dad's coming on Saturday. Gotta pick him up from Houston. Man will that be fun. I bet this week will be another busy week, plus preparations at home. We'll see. I know I'll survive and that all will be well. Oh, and the concert! It's this Tuesday! Oh God... Oh well. Whatever :) I have more to tell later on about my dream and my personal legend. I've said enough today ;) Anyhow, I'll see you when I see you...

CIAO :D

Oops...

10 Days Later...

Back to Blackerby's (and Best Buy)

I finally caught Jennifer today. She is the resident cellist at Blackerby's and we have been playing a little game of phone tag for about a week now, trying to catch each other as she has two new cellos set up for me that meets my price range. I positively melted. I still want that $6995 red cello ("The Weiss"). You know how you see something for the very first time and you just know you were meant to be together? Yes, it was love at first sight. She will be my serendipity as soon as I get the chance. For now, though, Jennifer recommends the Deutsch (if I spelled it correctly at all), which is a little bit more reachable at $2495. She is currently holding it for me till the end of April so that Janelle can check it out, too. But heck, I might just end up renting at first, anyway. Personally, I think I will end up buying my first cello at Stringworks - Cassiopeia, The Soloist. And then when I am ready, I will get Serendipity, The Weiss. *Sigh* I really am such a Taurus...

I am very happy I got a real good digital voice recorder at Best Buy today, as well. I had to go back and exchage my iVoice for another device, because the iVoice is not compatible with the iPod mini (the oh so nice little gadget I am not at all guilty of getting myself as an advanced birthday present!) , and I really need something to record my progress at the workshop with (director's orders!). I feel a little bad I missed Vidya's event today - we had a little bit of miscommunication going on in email. Now that I am... more experienced and aware in human relationships, I can say that the written word, unless clear and detailed so as to leave nothing to the imagination really cannot give face to face communication justice, sometimes, especially when there are cultural differences. Ah well, I can't wait to see her on Monday so we can gush about her dancing and exchange what *really* happened :)

Work has been great, as always, and we have been keeping really busy. My other oh so debated report finally got approved by all concerned personnel last week, which is great and very gratifying. Dad is finally here! He arrived from Manila last night into Reno at 2AM, and I just spoke to him tonight at 7PM PST. He seems well although a little tired, so are Rita and Steven, and I will hopefully be seeing him this May when he goes through Houston after his stint with Pritikin in Florida. I'll be having breakfast with Todd and Chris tomorrow, which will be a lot of fun, I'm sure, and then, two cello concerts to attend the following week, one whole special day, one party, and then one dinner for my birthday. Wow, I've never had it so spread out, hehehe. It will be fun, I hope, and I hope the migraines don't go back anymore. The medicines seem to be working their way in slowly and surely, and getting off that other one seems to really help the situation.

I am looking forward to the workshop this week; it is the second half, and I will try my best to make the most out of it. Hopefully, I'll have more theatrical performances to come. Cheers!

A "Real World" Interjection

After a rather long, forced sabbatical, I am back, yet again. Heh, the test I took just recently was right - my totem is the Dragon: "You are generally one who is good with personal growth and can regenerate yourself after a bad experience." I am not saying I am healed completely, healing does take time. Hopefully, I will attain complete rejuvenation soon enough, and it could be no more timely for I will be celebrating my 24th year of existence the week after next. Wow, 24 years. And I have so much to learn...

The past weeks have been both physically and emotionally difficult for me. I do not like being sick - I feel it holds me back more than anything else. I had originally planned this blog to be only of positive things - an escape from the real world, as it were. A compilation of positive experiences, inspired literary works, dreams and hopes. But really, without a dose of pain and trials, these dreams are little more than dreams, rather than the goals I hope to concretize with hard work and determination. Besides, they become much more fulfilling, when in hindsight, you recognize just how much sacrificing you had to do to get to where you are.

I must say, though, that I am grateful. One of the worries that I burdened myself with while debilitated by a series of migraine attacks was, plain and simply, my work. And probably only so because I love my job and the people that surround me. And Tuesday, Tuesday was the day that reinforced the fact that these are awesome people who are here to help and support me and who genuinely care for me more than anything else. We are not just workmates but friends. Tuesday was the day my boss gave us our "QIPs" - Quarterly Incentive Programs. Since the beginning of my term with this great company and when I found out how we were "graded," I was determined to get at least one superior rating this year. Only because my boss said it was practically impossible to do so ;) And so, I did. And not only did I get one superior rating; I was apparently the only one who did not have a "meets expectations" - everything else was "exceeded." Moreover, my superior rating was in the criteria that I personally thought was most important: Process and Team Improvement. He said because of me, the team is now using technology we never thought possible, everyone is beginning to use VBA, and as a result we will become (hopefully!) more profitable. Excellent. I want nothing less than the best for my team. We're an awesome group of people, if I may say so myself. We get along extremely well, everyone is good at what they do, and we continue to challenge each other. What touched me a lot, though, was when we talked about me being sick recently, and how he was worried about me, and how I should not worry about being sick because he doesn't take it against me (I'm so used to crap jobs, I guess), because what is important is I get well. But I tell you, I believe I do have the world's best boss (and team).

On the slight downside of things, I had to miss my musical theatre workshop this week. I had been feeling bad all day, so I figured going would probably just make it worse. I hope the sacrifice was worth it, and the last three meetings (and the show) would not prove to be disastrous to me any longer. It's very frustrating to sing only to trigger unnecessary synaptic activity, you know ;) Everyone at the workshop has been extremely wonderful and emphatic, however, and I am extremely grateful for their artistic and personal support.

I had an epiphany about my cello lessons. Because of the monetary QIP I'll get based on my grade this quarter, and Stringworks' awesome payment plan, I think I'll be able to rent for less than one year, and maybe buy within this year. So, I'll just go ahead and rent a cello at Blackerby's since it will be cheaper for me short term. And this will give me the freedom to decide between them and Stringworks, even, should I decide to go with that oh so expensive but beautiful German cello. Or maybe I'll have two cellos. Hehe, who knows. Really, I don't need two though, it's not as if I'll be doing it professionally... but I can't help but feel I need a backup, in case anything happens. I'm such a Taurus. I'll name one Cassiopeia, and the other, Serendipity. Five points to whoever understands why I'm naming them so ;)

I am keeping my MA dream in mind, for sure. I'll look into the IELTS mid this year, and even the TOEFL.

Other than this, I have no other updates to tell you. I just wish you well, dear reader, and hope that you realize just how much you are blessed, and that every moment of your life matters and is a step towards your personal legend.

My Other Voice

I attended Janelle's lecture last Friday (I swore to myself I would, no matter what!), and miraculously managed to. It was very interesting! It was about Debussy's Cello Sonata and how it had hidden components of the Lutheran hymn "En Feste Berg" (hope I got that right) in its structure and motives. I tried my best to keep up with all the musical jargon, of course, but the perfect icing on the cake was Janelle's performance and duet with the piano. I absolutely cannot wait to learn the cello. I'm planning to go to one or two more concerts this week at UT.

Also, I have decided that this is the first piece I want to play: J.S. Bach's (I've always been a huge fan) Cello Suite no. 1 in G major. Below are some portions of it. You may recognize it from the Soundtrack of "Master and Commander." It is a very beautiful piece... simple, soulful; brings out the gorgeous voice of the cello, I think. These samples are good, but I'd want to play more slowly and soulfully...

Prelude: http://www.musicabona.com/samples/4775228_1_01.mp3

Minuette: http://www.musicabona.com/samples/4775228_1_05.mp3


Also, here is more or less what will be an extension of me... my eventual instrument (unless I feel the need to upgrade from her, of course, which I doubt, given the advice of two experienced cellists): The Soloist. If anyone has suggestions for a name for her, I'm beginning to accept bids ;)


Reddish-brown. I think it's me - different, most of all, yet soulful. There was this red cello at Blackerby's I was eyeing, too... if only she didn't cost $5,000...

Well, I think I am legitimately in love. The cello will be the other means through which I will share my heart to the world. Yes, a little too bad I'm starting a little too late, but better to start than never at all! She will be my other voice.

Tomorrow is musical workshop meeting #2. I managed to perform during our First Meeting - following up Michelle's Hello Young Lovers (from the King and I) with my rendition of My Lord and Master. I couldn't believe the voice coming out of me - it rang clear, melodious, and strongly resonant, I really couldn't believe it! (I was sick at the time, not to mention nervous as hell). While they did praise me highly for my voice (I'm saying this all bragging aside, obviously :P), I could sing no further - my head had caved in and succumbed to the sudden rush of blood to my head - I suffered a migraine attack. Please pray that the same doesn't happen tomorrow. I want to sing and enjoy and just be out there so badly. I need this.

Please help me... Perhaps this is my "silent" prayer. Maybe the problem is I'm forgetting to sing for You... please help me remember and keep in mind that I am only your instrument, Divine One and that I am safe, as long as I am in your arms. I don't know what I am right now... all I know is I am your humble servant.