BLACKOUT

I found myself the other day reminiscing about my last University performance. It was held sometime in January of my last year (2003) atop the forbidden 7th floor roofdeck of the ACB and began at sundown. I remember being strenuously ill, causing Rhea, my fabulous twin and partner in crime, to freak out, as well. I had gotten sick at the last minute. So we began our performance with a disclaimer and a Happy Birthday song. Half of "Amazing Grace" was celebrating her birthday that night, and her family was there. I was determined to make it special.

I'd say that was the most vulnerable, emotionally naked, and selfless performance of my life. For the first time, I totally wasn't afraid. I was there to share and I was going to give my all, my best. For Rhea, and for the audience. We all had a fantastic time. It was the most heartfelt moment I've ever had onstage. I'm sure Rhea would say the same. At the end of it, we hugged, we embraced, we held all our loved ones. We just knew that was going to be the last time, as relatively innocent, unworldly, hopeful and promising students, that we were going to do that kind of thing again. It was also post the Shakespeare workshop, and just like the loyal friends and absolutely fantastic friends they were, my fellow Shakespeare alumnae were all there in full force. Our practice tape (which I had successfully nicked before leaving for the States) is at fault for conjuring up these memories. And I realize now that for all the challenges I had met with during my last year at University, I was truly and undoubtedly happy.

I found myself browsing my University's website, today. It brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of where I come from, a fledgling, promising University whose students are a world apart from what the rest of society seems to stereotype them to be. It was there that I made some of the best friends a girl could ever have, and made friends with some of the best people one could ever meet. And academically, it is certainly building quite a reputation for itself. What especially brought out an overwhelming surge of emotion in me is the page that talked about the MA in Humanities, specialising in Literature or History... the course that I wanted to switch to, before going to IT Master's (whose thesis I never finished, not regrettably ;)). It is my one regret in life, folks. I SHOULD have switched. My BS degree (in IT) would have gotten me "fed", anyway. God, I knew I had saturated the experience come end of 4th year. I don't think I'll get over this burden until I accomplish the MA I so desperately desire in England.

I've been researching about schools and courses and get depressed every time... they all seem to require (or expect) at least an English degree beforehand. Plus, it really is tougher if you are working and want to go back to School. All your money, instead of getting saved towards what you want to do, goes to bills. I won't lose hope, though. I refuse to do it.

You know, when I first chose my University, I had a feeling my father resented me for it. I rejected going to his Alma Mater (one of the best in the country) and instead took a chance with a young yet promising University like mine. To this day, I thank God for that decision. So the lesson here is, DO NOT LET ANYTHING - whether it be the norms of society, what others "higher than you" say, or whatever - DISSUADE YOU FROM PURSUING THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART. Be true to yourself. It takes courage, yes. But you'll never, ever have the rough burden I am now having to deal with - the pain of regret.

I just want to wallow and let out the pangs of my heart, today. But I swear and promise, this is the last time I'll ever do this to myself. Ever.

My Passion for Strings: A Brief Interlude

Tonight I chanced upon the musical nuances of a young artist named Damien Rice. Good heavens. How I have lived this far without drowning in and hearing of this kind of music, I do not know (he is now presently part of my wishlist). What a musician. And reading reviews, thus, I have determined exactly what my favorite musical genre is: Contemporary Folk.

I love the sound of a solo guitar, and that of a solo cello. Make these two sing a duet and I will believe I have died and gone to heaven. Perhaps it is the sheer intimacy of holding the instrument close to your bosom, or to clutch it so dear at the base of all human vulnerability, one's heart and soul cannot help but stir and wallow in a deep, deep, catharsis, while thoughts run a flutter, like autumn leaves dancing in a lazy, wistful, fleeting afternoon breeze. Maybe because every subtle stroke or caress of the bow makes such a difference to every single note, shaping pure joy or a deep, beautiful melancholy.

That's all, I just have to rave. I have yet to continue yesterday's post.

Ciao, folks, wherever you are :)

Wow.

Wow. It's been such a while. When did I post last? A couple months ago?

I've been more or less 80 hours in the hole's worth of OT hours, just so you know. It's a bright, beautiful Sunday. And where am I? Yes, you guessed it. I'm in the office. It's not that I'm a workaholic (and now I can practically see the collective rolling of the eyes :P)... I just HAVE to come here today because the damn system is SO clogged during weekdays, I have no chance of delivering what I promised to deliver my client. It's damn fucked up and I'm extremely frustrated, which is why I am cursing.

I think I'm burning out in work and in everything, as a result, because my life has so much been work, work, work, and countless sacrifices to get to where I am now. I guess it's time to ask myself if it's all even worth it. I still, ever so desperately, want to go to England, or at least study words and literature, English, performance... I'm even not beginning to care where, anymore. I looked through the roster of English professors at UT. Quite an impressive list, I must say: people from Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard... There are a few who seem to have the same interest I have, and I plan to contact them next year. I have my goal, yes. I guess my biggest stumbling block right now is HOW to get there in the first place. I figure the best way to go about it is to consult with people who have actually BEEN on that road. Maybe even consult with an academic advisor. We'll see. I think I really should stop pressuring myself and take life slowly, nice and smooth. True to my zodiac sign, I sometimes feel like I simply grapple life by the horns, fussing, and worrying, and stressing, and all that nonsense. Hah! Maybe because I just know what I don't WANT to be. "Moderation, Jen, moderation; don't get too much on your plate," as dad always says. My boss will kill me if he finds out I'm here, hehe...

Well much has happened, for sure. For one thing, I got my friend Letti a job. She now works with me in my awesome, awesome team, and will be approaching her third month come December. I also got a nice raise. BUT taxes don't really help, so really, I'm just getting a $100 a paycheck raise. I'm trying to look into how we can avert that >:) I also, according to my boss, got the best ever scorecard he's given anybody in all his years in management. Hah! He said he was ready to puke. I got an EXCEPTIONAL/SUPERIOR rating across ALL categories we were being scorecarded on. I bet he just feels bad I do all this OT work and not really bitch about it ;) Well, I DO love my work and my workplace, as I told my boss, it's 50% the kind of work I do and 50% the environment. He really is a SUPER AWESOME boss and I only wish I could be half the kind of person and boss he is someday :)

For another, I got back in touch with Sylvia, my trainer from Dell. She has finally quit Dell and is hoping to start anew - start having a life outside of work, again. She used to work a freaking 100 hours a week and not even get recognized for it. Geez. Oh the nasty things I could say about Dell... For one thing, I don't understand how they could be one of the best employers, ever, because to them, you are nothing more than a dispensable little machine. Grrr. If they could get away with child or slave labor, they'd probably do it ;)

I have not been able to do any artsy stuff such as writing, theatre, or music, as of late. Just working really and trying to get back in touch with friends, in other words, trying to be a better friend. Trying to read more. I'm in the middle of Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys right now. I'll admit his writing style and subject matter is something I have to get used to. I got so used to poetic prose that sears a mark deep down in your soul, intellectually and spiritually soul-stirring, heart and gut-wrenching. Sigh. I got spoiled with Kostova's The Historian. I love that book. I can't praise it enough. It's my first vampire book but it's much more than that. Her words, her style, her subject matter, her themes. Good lord. Something I can immerse myself into over and over again. I'd reread the book in a heartbeat. Highly recommended.

My friend Ryan's last post as of this writing is about the iPod. I hate Steve Jobs. Why and how on earth could he come up with something so groundbreakingly fabulous practically right after I invest my hard earned cashola in an iPod mini?!?! :'( I still love my mini though. I haven't even named him/her yet. Any suggestions? :D

I shall have to continue these ruminations some other time, as well as save the most profound, wondrously inspiring news for another post... the sun is about to set. :)

See you at the tracks!

Something you should *NEVER* ask during an interview

In typical nonchalant (a nicer say of saying oblivious for you, my dear) Chris fashion, Chris blurts out during a make-it or break-it interview:

Did you download these questions off the internet or something?

Needless to say, he never got a call back (although thank goodness he has learned his lesson and just started on a new job). So try this only if A. you don't care, or B. you know they're hiring for guts ;)

A Quick Reprieve

Thought I'd take the 5 minutes before 4AM as a temporary reprieve - an excuse to blog just a little this wee hour of the morning. God knows I need to do some catching up.

Heidi, Ryan, Kateh, Dr. J, Pseudo, thanks for your inputs. What really interested me is how you guys started your blogs and how it evolved, if it did, to its present state. Podcasts, blog awards, citizenship journalism - either as a source because you share the same interests or first-hand groundbreaking news from those IN the news, it seems like we are just at the quivering wand-tip, waiting for this (tech) world to explode and realize its potential - that the common individual, that each and every person has a voice to share to an unlimited audience. It's interesting, really. I've been bumping into more and more so-called "award-winning" blogs lately (apart from the afore mentioned blogs, of course ;)) , and I think what makes them most interesting is their ability to capture everyday life - if not criticize it to heaven's end - in such an eloquent and extraordinary manner. As shallow as it sounds, this inspires me to improve my writing. Not because I want to be a veritable power blogger. I want to make sure I am prepared for my personal legend. Yes, I think I've made my decision. I think Oxford is it. My second choice will probably Uni of London. But Lord, only 60 accepted out of 400 a year? Fat chance they'll be accepting what could be somewhat accurately classified an IT geek like me. But hell I'll shoot for it. I've got nothing to lose except my sanity (which I've more or less lost already, no doubt). I wonder how I could get in even if I don't have a degree in English. I DID do 3 years of Liberal Arts, dammit. That's got to count for something... I WANT to be there. And I can't wait.

Still, there's got to be a reason I'm *HERE*. I don't know why. I wonder why. Maybe I should look into UT, check out some classes there. Maybe I should be more involved in Shakespeare and theatre. Maybe I should be doing something out of the box.

We'll see.

My deadline is way overdue, I'll see you later at the tracks :)
(The train's (yes, there are train tracks behind my apartment complex) honked at me twice this night - at 2 and about 3. Aargh!)

P.S. I've worked about 49.5 hours thus far - that's more than a week's worth! (And the third train alights... I'll be going on a train trip next month or so, by the way. Finally... if you can't tell by now, yes, I have a fascination for trains :D)

Just Curious

I've been an active blogger lately, moreso as a reader than as a writer. And so I must put forth the somewhat inevitable question: When YOU write entries for your blog, do you write for yourself or for others/an audience?

Which Greek Goddess are you?

Meme/quiz time - Heh, surprise, surprise.

Read more about Athena.

Take the quiz again.

Return to the Women in Greek Myths Homepage

Read more about Aphrodite.

Take the quiz again.

Return to the Women in Greek Myths Homepage

Train Wreck

I am nothing short of this very apt song and title. And those of you who know me well would know that this very title means so much more to and about me than what it seems. My mentors, or rather, their works of art, seem to be haunting me down lately ;)

Ah, to tame... not as in to subdue but to support and complement, to love and to need, to kindle and to sustain, to risk and to falter, only to rise again...

Train Wreck
by: Sarah Mclachlan

Would your love in all its finery
tear at the darkness all around me
until I can feel again
until I can breathe again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

Would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

To fall so deep into you
lose myself completely
in your sweet embrace
all my pains erased

From your mouth its all that I wish
the mercy of your lips just one kiss
until I can breathe again
so that I can sing again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

Midnight Ramblings

There is nothing more delicious than being up just past the witching hour, when everything just seems to automatically meld into the background, the sound of the clothes dryer quietly whirring away, chugging away, contributing quietly to the milieu that surrounds... laid back chillin' music playing in the background (*wink, wink* atcha, Chit ;)) - you find an unexpected clarity - you can extract sound from noise effortlessly, and you are suddenly aware of a continuous stream and flow of words and thoughts through your mind, the blood through your veins... and before you know it, your heart pulsates rapidly, your head is transformed into a racing speedway, neurons racing, and you feel your hands just can't keep up, with the little glimmers of dust that have been transformed into gold... the "elusive orchestra", as it were (kudos to Joyce and G for that).

It is times like these when Joyce Johnson's words are at the epitome of their truth. When an artist - may it be a painter and his canvas or a writer and his quill or a musician and his guitar - feels just that initial burst of inspiration, the muse suddenly reveals himself/herself... and then the struggle begins. Run! Try! Catch that elusive butterfly. Oh, if I become one with this butterfly, play with this orchestra as one, harmoniously, just once in my life, I shall want nothing more.

"It was as if a muffled orchestra played inside my head at such a distance I couldn't quite get all of what was playing. There were all these notes and rhythms not yet imbued with sense, but suggesting it, calling it into being. I'd write sentences in my notebook and sometimes get very close to this orchesta. Other times it would trick me and vanish around corners, leaving trampled words that made thin, whistling noises when I read them over. I'd be convinced the orchestra would never play again, but then it would resume as if it had never stopped - I'd simply failed to reach it." ~ Joyce Johnson (Thanks so much for sharing this wonderful quote with me, G, I think you have yet to realize just how much it hit me :)).

Ambrosia for the Insomniac

It's been the same, like this, lately. Drop dead at 6pm, wake up at 4am, aching for words and music... same shit, different day. Kind of. Today, it's just the opposite - it's 11pm and I'm still awake. And I've been up since 4. What's up with that? I'm dog-tired but can't sleep. And just as a word of warning, don't be surprised if this entry doesn't make sense. I don't intend it to. I just need to write. I have this insatiable appetite gnawing away at my insides for the written word, and that I use my hands to help quell it, so here it is.

As it is, music and words form what is my ambrosia. I get this odd, natural high everytime I hear a snippet of good, grounded, unadulterated music, whenever I catch a glimpse of an excerpt of good prose, when I am in a room, hall, or building so full of books that the air is filled with the musty smell of old, yellowed, tattered pages, quietly carousing through every aisle, enjoying the sight, smell, and sound of flipping pages with respectful fingertips, or when I am just... writing.

But you know, we are the very ambrosia that the Big Man Up There, the fates, or the powers of the universe feed upon. Aren't we? We are creatures so wrapped up in our arrogance, we end up simply entertaining - we fail to realize how little things coalesce into one universal purpose - the master plan - as others call it and fail to realize how best to achieve that purpose. In this movie (the name of which escapes me now), there's a line that goes - fate can only get you so far but when you get there, it's up to you to achieve it, or something like that. Free will determines whether or not we fulfill our dreams. If we decide to fuck it all up then inevitably, we do. But if we choose to take the risks we need to take and set our heart on something, then we will get what we want as its meant to be. Heh. I'm such a stickler for hopeful romanticism. And I probably always will be.

I've always envied people who seem to be born with a clear cut purpose. Like Einstein who is arguably the greatest physicist of all time. Or Jewel, the writer/singer/songwriter. Or Oprah Winfrey, the Queen of Talk. What about me? Is it simply because I am fully aware of the fact that there are SO MANY possibilities out there for me? Or am I simply in denial - afraid to pursue the very depths of my heart's desire because I am so afraid of failing? Well shame on me if it is the latter. If there is anything worth pursuing and risking all I live for, it should be my ultimate dream/s.

I am definitely looking forward to my time away and alone (with Heidi, and hopefully Ryan) in Cali this September. God knows I need it. I need to rethink and reevaluate everything I've accomplished so far and how I can get to what I have planned for the future. I'm weird. I'm a go with the flow type of person but I also like making plans. And I like to move and shake things a bit just for extra fun :D

There's a point in your life when you realize that life is YOUR ambrosia, my friends. Life is at your disposal. Make the most out of it.

For the One Out There

I don't know why, but I just have the need to post the lyrics of this song on here. Maybe I just have a need to vocalize what I want out of life once more. You know who you are though I may not; I know you'll understand, and someday I will.

Kiss The Flame by Jewel

Please love let's make no impartial vow
Let all fall away, that's not crucial now
I want a brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams
'Cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these
thieves
Of all these unbelievers
who whittle love down at the knees
Let these swift roads destroy themselves
Let the world fall into its sleep
For we shall be spared
We shall be left standing
To face what's left of concrete and honey

Kiss the flame
Let's run with the hunted, the untamed
Kiss the flame
Embrace the faceless, the unnamed
Kiss the flame

There are nightmares on the sidewalks
There are jokes on TV
There are people selling thoughtlessness
with such casualty
But wherefore art thou Romeo
where have all the brave men gone
Show me one man who know his own heart
To him I shall belong

Kiss the flame
Let's run with the hunted, the untamed
Kiss the flame
Embrace the faceless, the unnamed
Kiss the flame
Kiss the flame
Kiss the flame
Please love let's make no impartial vow

Amen.

Walking On Ahead: The Neoterics - An Unofficial Review

Striking lyrics and catchy tunes. Remarkable depth in simplicity. Laid back yet strikes at the core. Everyone, meet the Neoterics, my new favorite band.

But what is a Neoteric? You would think that since it's got the prefix "neo," it should be like in the meaning of new. So, let's see what my friend, the hyperdictionary, has to say:

\Ne`o*ter"ic\, Neoterical \Ne`o*ter"ic*al\, a. [L.
neotericus, gr. ?, fr. ?, compar. of ? young, new.]
Recent in origin; modern; new. ``Our neoteric verbs.''
--Fitzed. Hall.

Some being ancient, others neoterical. --Bacon.


\Ne`o*ter"ic\, n.
One of modern times; a modern

And yes, this is something fresh and new, though the lyrics and thoughts imbued in their tunes may have been existent for a much longer period of time. If you want something different, something unadulterated, reminiscent of times before the greatest artists succumbed to what is popular rather than what is true, then this music is for you. Their songs are all on my iPod with an equal rating of 5 stars even, something not even my favorite singer-songwriter of all time can boast of ;) Granted one of their lead vocalists/guitarists is a friend of mine, so I might be biased. But at worst, these folks have a very undeserved minimum of 4 stars.

Concheeta, don't be "too busy for me", now... you guys ROCK! You make me want to regroup and start a band again! I hope to see you in NYC!

My horoscope for the day and I miss my friends

Ok, I'm back for now. Look at my horoscope for today - just what I needed to hear:

The Bottom Line

You must be present to win. So if it's important to you, make sure you show up.

In Detail

You're the epitome of courtesy and thoughtfulness right now, and your ability to take in everyone's needs along with your own makes you the ideal go-between. You're able to figure out solutions to knotty problems and spy detours that make the journey more pleasurable than the ultimate destination. If a bad situation comes along, you can make it better. If a good situation comes along, you can make it fantastic.

I'm not really into daily horoscopes and divinations of the future. But this one really caught my eye. Sometimes that's all you need to hear - simple, little words of encouragement - when you feel so lost in the trees and can't see the forest. That's what it's been like for me the past few weeks. I feel like I'm in Development ;) Sometimes you do dig a hole for yourself in doing so well that when you commit one minor mistake or overlook one little thing (not that it's really your fault), you feel like you fail miserably. I knew succeeding was a double-edged sword, and I sure as hell don't want to disappoint. The thing is I want to stand out, I want to do well... but I also need to ask myself if I am prepared for the consequences of being out there. People tend to expect so much more out of you. All they do is want and want, not knowing what that entails. I need to remind myself that I am not alone. Chris is there, Brad is there, God is there, my friends are there. But sometimes, it just feels like I am alone in that dusty road, at the mercy of the careless wind, dust devils teasing my tense nerves, and the goal seems so far away, unseen obstacles lying hidden between.

So yes I have been stressed and harrassed, not just with work, but with everything else. I would say I hit depression hard core. I am learning much more about myself though. My coping mechanisms, the way I really deal with pressure, the way I interact with people. I am learning loads about my EQ for sure and I am not happy with some of the things I'm seeing. One thing I hate the most is when I get so much work to be done, I keep on saying I can do it when in truth, I can't, anymore - and then I seal myself in my own little world till I hit breaking point, get harassed, stressed, depressed, what have you. I don't communicate, I just stress out. I would say this is my greatest weakness. However, under pressure I also develop my most creative, outstanding ideas! And I also get a lot of work done. See how this is tough for me? Bleh.

All this has made me think back on how it was back in Manila. Damn. I MISS my girlfriends. No one... NOTHING can ever replace your girlfriends. They are the ones who will support you no matter what, who will know what to say when you are down, when you fuck up, when you don't know what to do, who will make time and put effort into spending time with you if only for coffee (something people here rarely do, it seems, sadly enough)... I can say that the time I spent with the circle of friends I had made in late Uni - Sarah, Cal, Monica, Monina - were the happiest times of my life. With them I was forced to face the skeletons in my closet and embrace the reality that I am. With them I wasn't afraid to be ME. They'd accept me no matter what. Add my theatre friends and the happy meter pops off the charts. These people naturally brought out the best in me and my god do I love these people. I think it's also because I really allowed them to get to know me and vice versa... Really, we DON'T need masks. We really deserve only those who can love us as we are. So fellow women of the world, treat your girlfriends well. No one, not even your significant other, can ever replace them. And yes, biatches if you are reading this, I so damn miss you. And when the time comes for me to tie the knot, you all BETTER be there, no matter where it is ;)

Mid-Week Crisis

I know "Crisis" has such a negative connotation... but look! It actually is synonymous to words such as milestone, benchmark, even a cinematic climax:

[n] a crucial stage or turning point in the course of something; "after the crisis the patient either dies or gets better" (hyperdictionary.com).

So, on the eve of Wednesday, the very middle of what has been and what I anticipated to be an extremely busy week so far, I pause to update a seemingly abandoned, poor, old blog, having completed two personal milestones, and just a tad bit more over on the professional side of things (heh ;)).

2 Personal Milestones:
1. Finished re-reading His Dark Materials 1: The Golden Compass. I'm DYING to get my hands on the second installment, and will do this coming payday from Amazon :D Sucks the neighborhood Barnes and Noble doesn't have just the version I need to complete my collection (Chris has the 3rd, hehe). Ironically, HDM is my current obsession, despite the fact that HP 6 is about to go out (which I have pre-ordered, of course) this Friday. Weeeee. Must reread all HP books prior :D

2. Finished reading The Pilgrimage. Not as good a read as The Alchemist, but okay. It was a book I could put down, and maybe it's just my American-corrupted mind not being able to grasp the perhaps intended purity of two men, a pilgrim and his guide, diving into a hidden oasis naked and then climbing a waterfall. Perhaps it truly is to my detriment to have seen the movie Alexander (*Shudder*), or my mind is simply too wrapped up in too trivial things as work (heh) to be able to grasp the deep and profound message contained in this book. I'll be honest, I just wanted to finish the damn book - I wanted to know whether he'd get his sword back or not. I should have followed Petrus' advice - don't just focus on the goal; the road, the journey, how you get there matters. Maybe I'll re-read it again sometime. It had some really good lessons to impart, the most important of which, I believe, are similar to those I learned in the Alchemist, but I really do prefer the way he imparted them in the latter work.

I hate admitting this, but nothing has really prevented me in updating my blog other than the mundane things in life - work, house work, work, playing catch up with sleep, and yes, work. I've had some interesting dreams, lately, too. Probably to make up for the fact that all I have is yes, work ;) Or better yet, simply because my imagination has been rejuvenated and nourished by a steady diet of written words, as of late.

Anyhow, I hope to be back with a tremendous vengeance sometime again later this week. Our managers are all in Boston for their Bi-annual Manager's meeting, and then Nestle comes to town next week. So you can imagine how my life is as of late.

Thank God for books, thank God for blogs, and thank God for people like you.

Good night and see you at the tracks!

PS Interestingly, The Pilgrimage ends with something reminiscent of my favorite word, Serendipity: "And when I think about it, I guess it is true that people always arrive at the right moment at the place where someone awaits them." ~ Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage

On What Is to Come

One of the comments most recently posted on my blog made me think. And rather than replying with a lengthy comment back (not that I hadn't already), I decided that I would make an entry out of the thoughts that surged in as I read the following lines: "As for Grad School, I hope and pray that your experiences do not turn out like mine, more disenchanting than inspiring, save for meeting some wonderful students and a select few wonderful Profs. Just don't be too surprised when you discover that most of your colleagues really aren't that interested in reading. Or reading literature, anyway."

It's funny how true this was, oh good doctor, and I absolutely understand how that situation is.

When I was in High School, I (and some teachers) realized I had a knack for writing - essays, poems, journalistic articles. But then I also excelled in Science and IT. And at that time, I realized that since my parents divorced and my mom left herself rather dependent on me and my brother, that it was up to me to be the breadwinner of the family. I saw no great financial future in the Arts or Communications, and so I decided to major in IT. The industry was just on the very edge of booming, after all. Ah, the disappointment. In Senior year of High School, I saw an illustrious IT career all planned out in my head. I was good at programming. I even competed, for a short while. But enter Uni. Don't you just hate it when those who are supposed to teach and mentor you do not know how to teach? I have two cases here, of a man I utterly admire, and another I utterly detest. One of my Profs, Mr. P, was and is a very brilliant man. He KNOWS his subject matter by heart and loves it entirely. However, I don't think he truly knew HOW to teach it. So a lot of people ended up being bored and then miserably failing his classes because they didn't understand just what he was talking about. Another thing that made his reputation kind of precarious was that he flirted outrageously with some of his students ;)

Enter another teacher, Mr. Y - a most INCOMPETENT instructor, if I ever saw one. He played favorites based on race and affiliation with the University basketball team - let them cheat their way to A +'s, or didn't let them work for it, at all. He didn't know how to teach and it was all about politics for him. And he'll only acknowledge your existence if he needed anything from you, and even say stupid, tactless things to bring you down. Unfortunately, most of his classes were for programming, and interesting topics such as Computer Security. So while I am hopeful for most other things in life, he decidedly got me jaded in this career path. Which was actually good because upon realizing IT wasn't for me, and English was (with much thanks to Coelho's The Alchemist), I gained a whole new outlook and sense of meaning to my life.

Another thing that irks me is when people either take what they do for granted (mostly because they get their way or naturally excel at it), or or don't take what they do seriously. This is such a tender spot moreso perhaps because I realize that I have the propensity to do the same thing. I want passion in my life for all the things I do, and if I choose something as my life path, well I better damn well be passionate for it. Otherwise, why waste your (and other people's) time?

Really, what matters is you do what you love and enjoy and naturally excel in. That's what literature and writing is for me and what it always will be. After all, writing is what very steadily kept me sane and quite literally saved my life during the darkest days of my life, and I owe it to myself that I finally give that which urges the deepest stirrings in my soul a steady stream of undying devotion from the very depths of my heart.

See y'all at the tracks.

Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. ~ Mark Twain

Five Things I Miss Most About My Childhood

Grazie, il dottore buono. You know, funny enough, on my way to Marble Falls and Kingsland this weekend, I found myself reminiscing about the things I miss most from my childhood. How convenient ;) But really, for those of us determined to keep the child within us till we grow old and gray, the question is when does childhood end, and "adulthood" begin? I think I shall place the marker on that one milestone where I decided I had to grow up, if only for awhile. So in no particular order, here goes:

1. My Toy and Book Closet
I had this one huge closet full of toys and books right in the corner of our living room, and it contained dolls and toys of all sorts my dad brought home for me from his travels. What I found myself remembering the most just two days ago, though, was this book of Fairy Tales I had, containing these really well drawn pictures of Snow White and Rose Red, and of various other fairy tales. I miss all my childhood books. Most notable is my collection of "Childcraft" books conveniently located inside my bookshelf of a headboard I slept beneath every night.

2. A Full Day of Playing and a Helping of McDonald's
There was a time when McDonald's was actually really GOOD, before it gained its notorious reputation. That was almost 20 years ago ;) I believe it was during Summer Fridays when I'd just spend the day playing and running around with my little brother, and come 3 or 4 pm, my mom would bring us home some yummy treats depending on her mood, ranging from a burger and fries, to spaghetti, or the whole shabang. For some odd reason, she never brought home any "Happy Meals", though ;) God, I even remember arranging everything on my plate. I'd take the food out of the wrapper or styrofoam container and arrange it neatly on my plate according to the order I was going to consume them. HAH! OCD began at a very young age for me ;)

3. Weekend trips to Caylabne on my dad's Cabin Cruiser and Speed Boat
Caylabne was a lovely resort with a plethora of things to do. 'Nuff said.
On a side note, I distinctly remember this favorite drink I had in a "Tetra box." I believe it was some sort of chocolate malt served in a light brown box with pictures of sunflowers on it. I wish I could remember what it was called. All I remember is that it was YUMMY. I associate this memory with memories of Marbella because I had a picture of me drinking it while frolicking around in the resort.

4. Summer trips Abroad with the family and/or my Dad Oh, I was a daddy's girl, indeed :D I believe I still am. We'd sometimes go to Florida, L.A., Las Vegas, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, wherever... I loved hanging out with my dad, and I was lucky enough to have a father whose job took him all over the world. (He was a businessman). The only sad part about it was he never took me on trips to Europe. I guess he wanted to shield me from the horrors of their culture ;)

5. Innocence
I wholeheartedly do agree with you on this one, Dr. J, although I may have a different take on it. It's funny how you have lots of those carefree days when you were younger, believing that you can just take on the world and do and be ANYTHING, and wishing that you get older real quick so that you won't have to be disciplined and constantly watched over by your parents, and be kept at bay with their nonsense rules. Now that I'm on my own two feet and having to deal with the burden of responsibility, I am seeing how wrong I was to wish that ;) Indeed, be careful what you wish for, for it might come true ;)

Oh, this was fun... now I realize I may have missed out on so much simply cause I couldn't wait to grow up. It's fun remembering the good times.

All this said, I would now like to tag: Ryan, Pseudo, George, Heidi, Steph, and Rina.

Per Omnia SURGIMUS Part 2

Yes, I do rock. I finished all TWR Projects today in record time. *Breathes a sigh of relief.* I just had to let that out :D

Veritas: Per Omnia Surgimus

I f*ckin rock. I finished a project we originally bid for 10 hours in 1.25.
One monster down, two more to go, and I'm all set for tomorrow's launch! We CAN do it :D

UPDATE: Of COURSE I spoke too soon... (yes sometimes being "hopeful" gives more leeway to stupidity, heh)... the AM requested a bunch more changes on this and a couple other reports. I really hate this and am absolutely frustrated! I guess Laney set the bar and I am realizing more and more that the company assigned the best of the best (developer, AM...) to Nestle (owing mostly to the fact that it was the biggest and most complex project ever). I don't know though if this was done on purpose. Or perhaps, really, I just hate the fact that I have to bid, this time ;) But really, thanks, Laney, for spoiling me (because you're so good at what you do), we really do make a good team, and you rock :P

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore"

Bah. I have been out of touch for a week now, more or less, with no better excuse other than the fact that work has been riotously demanding, and for a few good reasons, I have been utterly, helplessly depressed, to the point that I avoid something I love dearly (as you can probably tell): writing.

I will not go into detail about why or how I found myself lumbering into the seeming depths of despair, because it could all simply boil down to the fact that I am a woman. :D Therefore, I reiterate yet again that tis the only reason I hate being a woman. Besides, I did say that I intended this blog to only be of happy things and I intend to stay true to that intention (talk about repetitive redundancy).

So let me update you on the more important aspects of my life as of late:

1. I unfortunately didn't make the final cut for Twelfth Night. However, it was a true honor and great experience for me to experience my first professional audition (without any real training whatsoever, save for a workshop or two), gain a callback (which is AWESOME, considering) and it will hopefully only be the beginning of many more auditions (and hopefully castings) to come. I at least know now that if I am to take all this theatre business seriously, I must always have a few monologues prepared, a resume, and a headshot. Of course, anyone doing the acting thing seriously must know this already... otherwise, Take Note! :) Apart from these lessons, I met some really awesome people - Kevin and Felicia. I unfortunately was not able to acquire Felicia's number - she did awesome and we had such a chemistry going on... I would be real happy if she got the part. I still am in touch with Kevin, though, thanks to him asking if we could exchange contact info during the last batch of rehearsals. I had auditioned with him for a few scenes - he as Sir Toby, and myself as Maria. He's a pretty awesome guy and is very much into theatre, as well.

PS: One important lesson I learned here as well, is always be TRUE to yourself. If your gut instinct tells you something, listen to it. Trust yourself. The more true you are to yourself, the more true your performance, and you therefore do them one heck of a show. Don't ever hold back and don't let anyone prevent you from following your gut instinct!

2. My second client, Time Warner, is launching their reports this week. I'm dying. 'Nuff said.

3. There were auditions yesterdayfor an indie pop/folk musical. It would have been lovely to audition but I've been sick as of late - I think I'm allergic to some seasonal thing here in Texas - stuffy nose, headaches, itchy eyes, scratchy throat... it sucks :(

4. I am still looking forward to starting cello lessons next month. Hopefully, I'll be able to start them. The prospect of these lessons is what's giving me hope right now. And ever listened to the Cool as Folk station on Yahoo Launchcast? They got some great tunes over there. Take note I said "some." ;)

Dr J, thank you very much for your kind comments, I never knew you actually read my blog! I've always loved reading yours, and it kind of prepares me as to what to expect upon finally entering the world of English in the academe as a graduate student. IT sux, English rox ;D And as you can tell, the second round of auditions went fine, not as good as the first, to be honest, but either way, I learned a lot from the experience. Also, don't let your bad experiences leave you so jaded... have hope, and I'm sure the One will arrive in the moment you least expect or in God's good time, as they say. Hah! Yes, I am a hardcore hopeful romantic... having gone or seen so much evil in the world, that there's just GOT to be something good out there to make everything worth it.

Thanks all, and hopefully, I can get back on track soon. I think I just need a break. So if I'm not back in a few days, rest assured that I am cuddled up somewhere under a warm blanket with a delightful new read (I've been reading feverishly these past few weeks, and I must say yet again: I LOVE ASLAN!!!), regaining inspiration from my muses and silently healing my stormy insides (take that for a double entendre). ;)

Ciao and see you at the tracks.

He Called Back!!!

A few minutes ago, I got a call from Rod Mechem, our director!!! He wants me to go back tomorrow for another reading session, 8pm, same place. OMG! Way to go!! Those musta been some nasty wishes for me up there ;) Thank you, thank you, thank you is all I have to say :))) This is one extra step from what I had in mind, I must admit. I would have been satisfied just with yesterday... Sigh. I hope I do better tomorrow and knock his socks off!

Aaaaaand, today was my first ever (I think TOTALLY BILLABLE day). Which is awesome, really awesome (that's what you get for begging for work from the client ;)). I am so paranoid, I worry when I don't have work. I feel like I'm not needed. So that's my second cuppa Bailey's for the day ;)

Quick update for now, let y'all know how tomorrow goes!

See you at the tracks.

And the follow up...

The audition was FUN. F-U-N. Hey, that's what it's all about isn't it???

Thanks so much for everyone's prayers. I am sure God's graces played a big part (if not the only part) in my being able to reach out and perform tonight. I wasn't scared at all. Exhilarated, liberated, enraptured, excited, shimmering, radiant, glowing, would be more apt descriptions. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And that's what it should all be about, shouldn't it? Fun, enjoyment, laying off layer upon layer of hard shell we work so hard to create and surround our poor little vibrant yet vulnerable souls with when in truth, there is no need to. Faith and hope are our allies.

Rod Mechem of the Onstage Theatre Company, our director (as IF I made it ;)), was a very awesome seeming kind of guy/director. He was very encouraging and all over the place! Haha, he didn't expect the turnout to be as good as it was. Good for him. I hope he found what he was looking for tonight. I read several times, myself, (a good sign, I took it!) and to be honest, I don't care if I make it or not. It was a fantastic experience to finally go through an audition of my own accord, and put my neck out there, as Anne put it, so that I could learn and gain experience. It certainly won't be bad if I made it, but really, I'm just glad I felt like I gave it my best and so I do not regret anything. It is rare I get content with my work like this, so I shall definitely relish it.

The auditions were at the Austin Playhouse - a very cozy theatre nestled deep in the heart of South Austin (next to no less than a gentleman's club and a salsa dance bar/club). My first reading was kind of a jolt for me - literally and figuratively. The actor I was reading with, Charlie, at one line, suddenly grabs me from behind around the waist. Thank God I managed to not shriek (then again, it might have been good for theatrical effect), but it was all good. The next guy I auditioned with, Kevin, was very careful and sensitive to my comfort level about being touched and all that. I told him I trust him and that we should do whatever we thought fitting for the scene. Rod wanted it to be flirty, so we did try our best ;) I also auditioned with Anne, and met some awesome gals as Beth and Felicia. I sure hope I end up working with them, I think it would be awesome.

A fantastic, merry night this is. And you know, Rod immediately made me read Maria. Hah! That's exactly the part I want. And Kevin said I would suit the part perfectly, if not by looks alone. Plus, the scene I had to read was the scene I kept reading over and over on my laptop last today. Hah, how prophetic is that. Oh well.

Cheers to my first theatrical audition in Austin, and perhaps to many more. I love you, Will!!! Thanks for making me smile today. What a great and notty bard you are ;)
Thanks again for your prayers, guys, and thank you GOD for giving me this opportunity.

See y'all at the tracks. I have to catch up with my 4 hour naptime from last night ;)

Ciao.

Paradise Regained, Indeed

If wackiness is any indication of brilliance, then I better damn well be a genius ;)
A more contemporary Adam and Eve? Anyone?

And since we're on the subject of brilliance AND wackiness, enter the great bard, W. Shakespeare, himself... or rather, his play. Twelfth Night, to be precise. There are auditions tomorrow for a September 2005 Austin showing by the ONSTAGE Theatre Company. I think I will try for the role of Maria/Mary. If the auditions are NOT tomorrow of course OR if there is no required memorized monologue. I just found out about the auditions yesterday, anyway. We'll see ;) In any case... I LOVE the Austin Chronicle.

The Great Hopeful Romantic Debate

Ok, being the great hopeful romantic I am, this article caught my eye. So help me out, I want to know what you think. Do Soul Mates exist?

Well, first of all, I think we need to be clear on our definition of soulmate. Is a soul mate simply a "mystically pre-ordained other half" that you are destined to meet, marry, and have children with? Could a soul mate simply be your other half, with no romantic link? If so, could you have more than one? Is a soulmate the subject of so many serendipitous occurences in your life, that there's just no question, it's fate? Or is it the person you know may be somewhat or so wrong for you, but you want to be with them anyway, and want to work it out?

I should have traded this topic in for Euthanasia back in Sophomore Year AIS ;)

Yes, I am up at this Ungodly hour

And perhaps it's about time. I have, after all, been asleep for the past 10 or so hours, mainly because I have failed to meet my quota of 7-8 hours of sweet, sweet slumber the past two consecutive nights. You can blame Shakespeare for that. I have been high on the Merchant of Venice, I tell ya. That and I have been stressed, I admit. The irony of it is that though last night was my first decent bout of sleep so far, this week, it was also one of the least restful. Oh, ye olde friend stress, give me a break! Depress me not and let me go.

In thoughts more tranquil, I made myself breakfast this morning for the first time in a long time. There is nothing more intimate than eating a solitary breakfast right by your stove, by the dimmed, quivering lamplight, its orange tones shining brightly on your plate, as if a spotlight popped out of nowhere shining intently on your humble breakfast, while the rest of the room rests, clothed in sleepy darkness. Reminds me of childhood days stealing away with my brother to the kitchen, a midnight snack of Oreos and glass upon glass of milk, trying to save up the yummy white stuff in the middle for that big dip into our cups filled with creamy liquid white... those were the days indeed.

On other little bits of happy news, I finally found my iPod cable yesterday. Believe it or not, a little occurance such as that gave me hope. It was the sign I needed that everything will be better, and that everything I am looking for I will soon find. YAY! Oh, I am trying. And I have been downloading music nonstop this morning, very frustrated with two files that always seem to end up being corrupted, for some reason. And I have a booboo... my middle finger(tip) got burned picking up a freshly toastedEnglish muffin. :S

Also, I've said this before and I'll say it again: The only reason I'd ever hate being a woman is PMS. PMS sucks. Not that all this is PMS, right now, but who knows... ;) Alas, time flies, and I must now depart. Peace, all, and see you at the tracks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Opportunity follows struggle. It follows effort. It follows hard work. It doesn't come before.
~ Shelby Steele

The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself -- the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us -- that's where it's at. ~ Jesse Owens

Everybody loves this shirt

Even a developer (the likes of which we RARELY hear from, unless we're in trouble ;)) sent me a random email asking where I got it the next day ;)

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/frustrations/595d/

Also, Patty now blames me for her shopping spree in the aforementioned website :D

Oh, and Wil Wheaton loved this shirt ;) ... and no, Chris, he didn't ogle at me, okay?! 8-)

Post Memoriam

7:30 in the morning and you step in, the gray sun barely gaping through the green glass composing the windows and facade of this squat five or so story building that is home to my workplace. The fragrance immediately hits you - a subtle perfume of earth and water upon earth; like springtime when the buds begin to bloom, and mother nature tirelessly gives birth, blooming flowers and buds, and seedlings all around. I have yet to see a building quite like it, really. The scent is familiar, and the sight of a rather sizable garden inside a "commercial" (I hate the word) building - alas! a white face nearly frightens me, with glimmering green eyes afloat in this dark room; it's my kitty cat, Shelob (fie, fie upon thee, lovely and treacherous feline you are!) - is still something I am getting used to. And to think I've been working here for almost eight months now. Oh how time has passed and I have barely noticed. I am still not used to it. The scent housed within these cavernous, open walls is both familiar and new, so is the feel of the air, the feel of the step on the first stair upon the pavement, and then the carpeted spiral up to the second floor. Strange yet absolutely delightful. Everyday is still a new experience.

Three and a half days seems too long; I almost feel nervous going in - almost like I don't know what to expect; what challenges I am to meet today. I suppose it comes with a job you feel is worthwhile and to your liking. You always worry if you'll do good.

I am still hung over Shakespeare. Three nights and three doses of the Merchant of Venice, starring no less than the likes of Al Pacino, Jeremy Irons, and Joseph Fiennes. Amazing how a literary background changes your train of thought - thoughts of the tragic hero, his tragic flaw, who is redeeming who, what the prophetic words may be uttered and so I hang unto the dialogue for dear life... and yet this is a comedy, for the hero never dies; he is a comedic hero, though the fabric upon which the play was woven is by no means laughable. In truth, I had no idea this was a comedy until I finished the movie. How you can empathize and not empathize with the Jew, Shylock, as with the merchant, Antonio. You instantly know, though, that this is a story of redemption, of a contemptuous Christian broken by a vindictive Jew demanding for his own version of justice.

Shakespeare seems to love multiple teamings in his comedies - Bassiano and Portia/Antonio, Lorenzo and Jessica, Gratiano, Bassanio's henchman, and Nerissa, Portia's handmaiden, not to mention that it takes deception, ironically, to discover the truth and bring about just recompense (Much Ado ring a bell, anyone?). Shakespeare's take on something equally simple and complex as the virtues of truth, mercy and justice, and the recognition of a man reformed and a man ruined, all by discrimination is really worth experiencing. I slept at 2 am last night finishing the movie, and yet I didn't care :)

Tomorrow is training day, again. I will close the day training and sharing my, as Brad would put it, "Dashboard Tips and Tricks" with the rest of the magnificent team I'm a part of. We are limiting the topic to only two modules because based on past experiences, they tend to be rather inquisitive ;) I am also taking the initiative to install mySQL on, as Brad would put it, my laptop, so we can play around with it and learn before they even decide to go with it full force. I just thought about it today - it's funny how within a year's time, I evolved from trainee to trainer, and in a different company and much more challenging position, too. Miracles do happen and I thank God for my blessings everyday. I'm not worthy. I suppose I'll close my night documenting the backups I went through with Jeff. We are, after all, not done yet, and have much more to do... I need to remind myself of some errands to run tomorrow, especially for my poor car whose door has mysteriously gone haywire, though there are no signs of anyone trying to break in. Oh well. It happens. But all will be well, my friend, let tomorrow take care of itself. Till then, see you at the tracks.

Ciao.

Strawberry Milkshake #2

I had my second go today at making Strawberry Milkshakes. Whole milk works. YUMMY.

One Fine Day

Today was spent car shopping with Annie over at Bastrop - about 30 minutes southeast of Austin, depending on how fast you're going ;) She didn't have to shop, really. She knew what she wanted, and all she was waiting for was some "good vibes" - that gut feel that tells you you're getting a good deal and you're doing what is right. We went to {whoops, the lights just flickered. We lost electricity for about 3 seconds... thank God I'm on a laptop... heavy thunderstorm here for the second night. BEAUTIFUL.}... Covert Chevrolet... took awhile for someone to assist us then finally we got to talking to the nephew of the owner himself, Chance Covert. Very nice guy and very helpful, not pushy, at all. I think that was all Annie needed - a place she felt comfortable with, where she'd feel taken cared of.

It's funny how the more we push people, the more reluctant they are to give us what we want; and the more we give them space, the more inclined they are to give us a break. I suppose it's that innate stubborness we all have; our sense of pride and wanting to assert ourselves and self-awareness - wanting to insist we are our own person. I really admire people who can say no nicely yet firmly. Positive negation is more or less a lost art... a lot of people feel they need to work themselves up in a frenzy in order to complain or get what they want, or so that people will respect them when they say "No." Why is it so hard, really? Are we simply afraid of how people will respond to us? Do we even stop to think that people think less of us if we act like an upset madman?

Anyhow, I digress. I felt real happy that Annie chose me to be a part of this climactic moment in her life - her first car, and her first major purchase (not including Lasik). She was hilarious... she ended up crushing on Chance and being a tad bit obvious to his financial person, Vickie. Vickie must be used to it, and I admired her professionalism. And thank God Annie began to realize she was being just a little... obvious. Anyhow, we had fun - we laughed and I held her as she cried tears of joy. She will have her little Black Cobalt pretty soon.

We were very hungry and immediately sought out a place called Daddy's Grille (highly recommended by Annie's friend) on Highway 95 towards Elgin. Unfortunately, the place was closed, so we rushed all the way back to Austin's Hill's Cafe, one of Annie's favorite places in town. I had a fajita wrap, she had their fried catfish. The food was okay. Our server was pretty awesome and checked on us fairly often, even if we were seated outside... kept on saying see you, ladies! Always called us ladies, and always called on us. He must not be used to serving two hot chicks at the same time >;) hahaha. Kiddin.

After lunch, we dropped by her house where we filled Mama (her mom in law) in on everything that happened... and then a spontaneous trip to Ruta Maya (or something like that) to check out the Salsa Scene. Unfortunately, nothing was going on, so we decided to make another spontaneous trip - to Town Lake. Finally!!! I'd been wanting to walk around the area. Tired as we were, we hiked up the trail, and I urged Annie that we take the whole route between Lamar and Mo-pac. She kept on ranting about it past the 2 or 3 mile marker because we ended up taking the long hike back ;) To be honest, I was grateful. It's been awhile since I did a lot of walking. And it was GORGEOUS out there! Absolutely gorgeous. Even the drive to Bastrop was gorgeous. It reminded me really of why I love Austin so much. It's a lovely place. And the culture is great. And while I was appreciating the gorgeous scenery around me, Annie was doing the same thing, too. Except she was focused more on the joggers/walkers/sprinters breezing by... sigh. I don't know why but I've never really been one to "check out" other people. Not like that anyway... I just feel it's rude to stare and gawk and flirt outrageously... if they can tell you're doing it anyway ;)

Anyhow, we were so tired and thirsty afterwards we went straight all the way to her home, and I drove home soon after. She is planning to go to Spain next year and I to London and the Philippines to be at Cal's wedding. I am kind of sad yet happy for her. She'll be a family woman now. Things will be so different. As for me, I see myself living a bit of the independent life for now. In fact, even if I get married, I don't see it as "settling down," but cementing a committment. I don't think marriage should hold you back from the things you want to do. Life should still be a great adventure... and you'll have someone by your side for the rest of your life to go through all that with you. Once you have kids though, they should definitely be your first priority. Family comes first. Haha, amazing I could even say that. All my life I've considered friends my family. I love and miss them dearly.

Well that's it. I'm currently enjoying a cup of homemade strawberry milkshake. Mmmmm. Strawberries. My favorite berry next to raspberries. One lesson well learned tonight: never EVER use fat free milk for milkshakes. It's horrible.

Scarred yet Persevering

I won't even try to make any excuses. I've been procrastinating. And still working on that run through regarding my dad's visit. I suppose it's also because I got extremely frustrated writing THAT run through when the hotel's network decided to go bonkers on me, and I lost sentence upon sentence of hurried writing despite the fatigue and tiredness I was feeling. Yaargh. That was so frustrating. Hopefully, I play it smarter this time and just update with real short entries ;) Verboseness can really be a bane, sometimes. So can being detail-oriented... so don't even bother gleaning through the fine print ;)

Quick updates:
Cello lessons - I have to postpone to July... don't ask me why. It's sad :( But at least it's not too far off... just one month. Sigh. I finally have something to look forward to in the middle of the year :)
I have been obsessively looking at Serendipity's picture in Stringworks' gorgeous color catalogue. Sigh. I can't wait till you are mine...

Work - good, sometimes busy, sometimes idle. I'm secretly setting up mySQL on my laptop for a nasty surprise for my teammates next week ;) I personally think I'm slacking off a little. Either that or there's just so many things on my plate that I'm sub-consciously slacking off to slow things down. Anyhow, Brad, being the awesome boss that he is, decided to give us all a half-day off to extend this weekend's 3 day long holiday. Also, it was Vidya's last day at work today before going off to India for vacation for 2 long months! She, being the darling that she is, invited me to have lunch with her and her team at Pappadeaux. I LOVE THAT RESTO! Excellent seafood dishes with a Cajun flair. I had a mixed seafood grill with veggies, and half-shell oysters to start with. And Gail treated us out. It was super fun and that was super nice of her.

This weekend - I'm going to Bastrop with Annie who is apparently a) wanting to buy a car b) wanting to introduce some people to me. It oughta be fun :) I'd love to spend most of the weekend watching as much movies as I can at the cinema, but that will be mighty expensive - that's something I can't afford right now with rent coming and all that. Delayed gratification :D

Miscellany - Went to Blackbart's Books yesterday, which is apparently closing. Bought 6 books for clearance at a dollar apiece - mostly 1940's hard bounds (some are first edition print, I believe) ranging from The History of Greece, to The History of American Literature. Eat your heart out, bookies ;)

Current reading - I've never read the Chronicles of Narnia. I have just finished reading the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and am now unto the Professor's Nephew (or something like that). I LOVE ASLAN!!! Freakin book made me cry. Just goes to show how good writers can be at getting atcha... assuming they are good writers, of course. I want to reread the His Dark Materials Trilogy and the HP series, especially as Book 6 is coming out, of course. I'm also reading an imponderables book - "What are hyenas laughing at, anyway?" Hilarious book, that one... interesting, too!

I really want to study English. And I can't wait! Really, English is the most fascinating language - with all its inconsistencies and nuances... and the literature!!! Oh, the literature. Although I am sure that there are other great literatures and languages in the world, I believe English is my cup of tea. No pun intended :)

Hopefully, I'll get to upload my entry on my dad's visit very soon. Till then, ciao.

In Full Color

Well, it's over. My dad finally left for LA yesterday... I'll post an entry soon about every single thing that happened; I was writing it yesterday in my hotel room when the damn network started acting wack and I lost my whole entry!

Anyhow, today was spent mostly catching up with about 20 emails that arrived since Monday afternoon, working, working, working, and I come home to find a mysterious looking package from Wisconsin in the mail. It's my Stringworks Catalog in full living color! How timely is that? And I begin my cello lessons Thursday next week! I also opened up my mail to see that Janelle had written me to check on next week's lessons. Everything seems to be falling into place... Serendipity... I am so excited :)

One thing I'd like to talk about right now is the prospect of going to England in the next year or so. I and my dad had the opportunity to talk a lot about what I really want to do in life - what I feel is my personal legend. England kept popping up. And I suppose he took pity on my poor soul and offered to send me off to England next year or the year after just to check on the schools!!!! How cool is that?! I'll be staying about 2 weeks there checking out the different Universities I might want to study in, although I more or less know which one I want to go to. He does know that this is not a career move, necessarily, but something I feel I must do simply to complete me. It's my personal legend. I am doing it simply because I want to, for personal, and not career reasons. I'll see where I go from there, you know? All I know is I want to take it - and I have to because if I don't, I won't be fulfilling my purpose, I don't think. It'll be like Hector not wanting to face Achilles and him actually not doing it. The world would have been so different...

It is the deepest desire from the bottom of my heart and soul for me to go to England and take that degree. And it may just be like the case of the shepherd boy Tiago. He had to go to Egypt to see the pyramids, though his treasure may not have been there. What mattered was the journey and the experience. Ultimately, your gold may be somewhere else. Either way, I know my pyramids lie in England. Where I go from there depends on the clues I shall find and try to interpret with God's guidance.

Sigh. I'm so excited.

It must suck to be a man, sometimes

I am appalled!

This morning I went into the breakroom and bumped into Adam - a workmate (developer) I have always found to be pleasant and fun to be around. He was lively, as usual, and began to engage the slowly trickling stream of people in lively conversation about their weekend plans, and how his consisted of working on the yard with a javelin-like tool in order to plant trees and how he was worried he might hurt his back, but thank God he didn't have to work out as he had this to replace it for him. Well, soon enough I was left alone with him, and I sat down by the table as we talked about his wife and kids and how raising a family is like... when Anky goes into the room very prettily dressed in a black top and lovely pink skirt. Oh how he could not help but nonchalantly yet brazenly check her out. I was APPALLED! Maybe I'm such a tightwad when it comes to it, but man, if I knew that the guy I was dating was that kind of guy, I'd seriously think twice about him. I want a man who has eyes only for me. I want to be the perfect woman for him and him the perfect man for me so we have eyes only for each other. Is that too much to ask for? Gee... well, needless to say, that kind of turned me off, so I left the room as soon as I was done spreading a nice layer of maple and walnut cream cheese on my plain toasted bagel. I was disgusted.

Another thing that kind of irked me today was the unprofessionalism displayed by he-who-must-not-be-named. Honestly, being very intelligent or good at what you do could trigger you into two different pathways: either you push yourself harder to get even better or you slack off. This person slacks off. I think he takes his intelligence for granted... granted he's good at what he does but he likes to slack and doesn't take initiative, I notice. I mean, that's fine if you slack and it doesn't affect other people. But if what you're doing involves others, please be sensitive... we all don't have as much time to play with and you could be wasting other people's time. Sigh. It was all just very frustrating. I totally respect this person, but that level of respect is seriously beginning to dwindle. Aargh! I hope it gets better.

In any case, I DO admit I'm a workaholic. I don't care how late I have to stay to finish my projects or whatever... it's just the kind of person I am. I'm also very OC (obsessive compulsive). I look and review and re-review everything I've done before I send them... and I have them tested. It may take a little more time but at least you know you're getting quality work. You get what you pay for, eh? ;)

Anyhow, tomorrow is the day my father finally arrives... 6:15pm at the Houston Hobby Airport, flying in from New Orleans. Course I'll have to drive over to pick him up. I've asked Chris to come with because I don't feel safe driving alone at such a distance. San Antonio's one thing, but Houston's quite another... besides, the real life Chainsaw Massacre happened on the highway somewhere between Austin and Houston ;) I'd hate to end up in someone's chili bowl someday...

Anyhow, I've spent a bit of time cleaning up the place today, in preparation for Dad's arrival. Looks like everything's mostly good and ready to go; books in order, nice fresh sheets... I'm looking forward to some sleepy time tonight. See you at the tracks.

Of COURSE I have to post this, too ;)

For those who know about my presentation with the SR VP of Pepsi ;) Sigh, the beauty of feedback... especially if it's positive! ;) But bring it on :D

TGIF!!!


Subject: Nice work today on the QTG Call!
Jenny


Nice work putting this together and delivering it today! Craig and Letty were both impressed with it and hopefully it sets the stage for moving quickly on their additional reporting needs Craig discussed.


Thanks again and have a great weekend.

Bruce Nagle, President & CEO
RW3 Technologies, Inc.

Interesting! How cool is that?

Your True Birth Month Is April

Hasty Moving Consoling Emotional Aggressive Diplomatic Revengeful Adventurous Good memory Loves attention Strong mentality Loving and caring Brave and fearless Active and dynamic Suave and generous Easily get too jealous Decisive but tends to regret Motivates oneself and the others Attractive and affectionate to oneself Friendly and solves people's problems Prone to sickness usually of the head and chest

What's" Your True Birth Month?

Interesting...

I won't say where it hits right on the mark or where it doesn't, or if it's just saying it differently... if you know me, you know me, I am who I am. Some insight - don't we all seek the answer to the "ultimate question"? ;) Is this not the hardest thing to wrap our minds around (though the subject is ultimately simple, I bet... we just like to make things more complicated than they are, usually)? Anyhow, I thought this interesting enough to post here. Sarah will more or less jump at the chance to say, "See! I told you so! Gryffindor or Ravenclaw!" Hahaha. If you are reading this, I miss you Sar. I really do.

Your Birthdate: April 25

Your birth on the 25th day of the month (7 energy) modifies your life path by giving you some special interest in technical, scientific, or other complex and often hard to understand subjects. You may become something of a perfectionist and a stickler for details. Your thinking is logical and intuitive, rational and responsible. Your feelings may run deep, but you are not very likely to let them show. This birthday makes you a more private person, more introspective and perhaps more inflexible. In friendships you are very cautious and reserved. You are probably inventive, and given to unique approaches and solutions.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Of COURSE I have to post this!

My awesome boss, Brad, wrote me an email today (which had a scary subject line of in writing):

Just to let you know, in writing:

I'm very impressed with your quality of work and your outstanding communication skills. You have been a wonderful addition to the team and I sure appreciate all your hard work, you good ideas and your super attitude.

Keep it up!!!

Brad


I personally think it's very much AWESOME to be meeting and/or exceeding the expectations of the one person who hired you and are working for - for me it's like, it's the best gift you can give them - make them feel a great sense of gratification for picking you out of all the rest because you are doing such a good job, and also help improve your team and actively contribute to its success. Brad and my team have and always will have my undying loyalty. I am so thankful Brad chose me for this job, even if I feel I wasn't up to par at that time. And I do love my job, but I think it has more to do with my boss and my team than what I'm actually doing. God, I'm so thankful, thank you, really, thank you! I can only wish the same for everyone else out there. Really, despite all the difficulties, we are so blessed.

Anyhow, I responded to him with a "Wow, thanks so much, Brad!!!" out of sheer surprise and thanked him for all the support and belief he's given to me and the team; and for going to last night's show despite the fact that he spent the previous night driving cross country to pick up his brother and going to work at sunrise with little or no sleep. I was so touched by that, I didn't even expect him to come because he was so tired that morning. And here I was hustling and bustling for the most part of the day, not knowing what to do, restless, harassed, head floating and swimming, thoughtless... and people do kind things like that for me. Anyhow, I gave a dramatic goodbye to Jason (our pianist) yesterday, by the way, and gave him the little pink flower I had with me onstage, thanking him for everything (cause he SO rocks!).

I promised I'd write down something more about my personal legend, so here goes... I think theatre (and originally, this was my plan anyway) is really just a means to an end, and not the end itself, for me. It is a great tool through which I can understand literature more... which is probably why I found my Shakespeare workshop experience immediately much more gratifying than this one, methinks. I felt I finally understood Shakespeare in a whole new light from a thespian's point of view - it's just so different when you act out his plays rather than just read them. Everything has a stark clarity to it... Which is why theatre for me will always be the best medium to express the written word. It's much more human than film as there is a deeper vulnerability performing live AND you actually get to connect head-on with your audience. It's awesome.

This recent re-focusing back to "pure literature" is also a result of an epiphany I had not too long ago about what I'd like to have as a dissertation or masteral (even doctoral) thesis. I won't post it here though, lest someone steal my idea. ;p Let's just say that it leaveth me a-mused. ;) I am SO excited about it, and can't wait to start. But let me relish living in my crystal shop for now. I must gather my strength and resources. And when the sweet Zephyr whispers it is time, I will know where I must go.

CIAO, everyone!

And The Curtains Fall

May 3rd , 2005 is a very climactic and tumultuous day for me - it marks my first ever official "public performance" (not including last year's Company Christmas Party) here in Austin, Texas. Hell, in the good ole U. S. of A, baby! And it was awesome! For once, I just knew everything would be okay. I didn't hold back, I was unafraid, I just shared and enjoyed, I wasn't even afraid of any migraines coming in because for some reason, I just knew I wouldn't have any. I'd be okay. Albeit... work was nutz today. I couldn't think. Must get those meds to wear off. But I digress. Tonight was fantastic! The class was awesome, most everyone performed at their best, Brad, Dawn, Chris, Tina and Jason made it. .. and oh did we just have a mighty fun time. And I was the finale! Anne put me as the finale! Everyone was saying how perfect (as in appropriate... I *did* have my own bloopers ;)) and cute (yuck! :P) of a finale it was and by the end of the show, everyone was singing my song ;D

I was able to say goodbye and hugs to Michelle, Anne, our director, Meredith, our other director, and Jason, our accompanist (whom I really admire). Afterwards, Adrianna invited us to go the bar she works at - Aussie's! Since I hadn't had dinner yet, I had myself a "Roo" (their version of a burger) and a virgin Pina Colada (couldn't risk getting drunk as I have MORE work to do tonight plus risk of migraines). Anyhow, Jesi, Joel, Adrianna, and I all exchanged email addresses and numbers so we'd keep in touch after all is said and done, and probably take voice lessons in the near future. I was so touched by Adrianna's words to me tonight. She honestly caught me by surprise. She gave me the biggest complements ever. .. Ah well, It is almost half past the witching hour so I must keep this short and get back to working. I just have to let this all out.

Next target: CELLO LESSONS!!!

Ciao and live life to the fullest baby, yea!!!

Poetry Reading #3: Your Laughter

I'm sick if you can't already tell ;) Found this treasure of a poem yesterday at BookPeople. Pablo Neruda's The Captain's Verses. Stupid, stupid, how I always overlooked this volume!

Just a thought

After all the posting I've done, I have yet to post another personal literary post... and I ironically intended this blog to contain my literary works. I think the lesson here is that inevitably you cannot separate the important aspects of your life - your art, your work, and your everyday experiences, both significant and insignificant (seemingly, anyway). They all make you who you are.

The Dead Woman

One of my favorite, if not my favorite, poems of all time:

The Dead Woman by Pablo Neruda

La Muerta	The Dead Woman
Si de pronto no existes,	If suddenly you do not exist,
si de pronto no vives,	if suddenly you no longer live,
yo seguiré viviendo.	I shall live on.
No me atrevo,	I do not dare,
no me atrevo a escribirlo,	I do not dare to write it,
si te mueres.	if you die.
Yo seguiré viviendo.	I shall live on.
Porque donde no tiene voz un hombre	For where a man has no voice,
allí, mi voz.	there, my voice.
Donde los negros sean apaleados,	Where blacks are beaten,
yo no puedo estar muerto.	I cannot be dead.
Cuando entren en la cárcel mis hermanos	When my brothers go to prison
entraré yo con ellos.	I shall go with them.
Cuando la victoria,	When victory,
no mi victoria,	not my victory,
sino la gran victoria	but the great victory
llegue,	comes,
aunque esté mudo debo hablar:	even ithough I am mute I must speak;
yo la veré llegar aunque esté ciego.	I shall see it come even though I am blind.
No, perdóname.	No, forgive me.
Si tú no vives,	If you no longer live,
si tú, querida, amor mío,	if you, beloved, my love,
si tú	if you
te has muerto,	have died,
todas las hojas caerán en mi pecho,	all the leaves will fall in my breast,
lloverá sobre mi alma noche y día,	it will rain on my soul night and day,
la nieve quemará mi corazón,	the snow will burn my heart,
andaré con frío y fuego y muerte y nieve,	I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow,
mis pies querrán marchar hacia donde tú duermes,	my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping,
pero	but
seguiré vivo,	I shall stay alive,
porque tú me quisiste sobre todas las cosas	because above all things you wanted me
indomable,	indomitable,
y, amor, porque tú sabes que soy no sólo un hombre	and, my love, because you know that I am not only a man
sino todos los hombres.	but all mankind.

Hear the one and only Alan Rickman's rendition of it.

Ce soir Je ne peux pas écrire: An account of what I owe

Chapter 1: Full Spectrum #9

Full Spectrum Nature (tm): Create a sense of overall balance with these centering, grounding aromas.

What does this say about my character, I wonder?

Apparently, this is my favored kind of essence out of the plethora of fragrances available from Aveda's pure-fume spirit. I had received a coupon in the mail, you see - Happy Birthday from Aveda! Free .5 oz bottle of your very own choosing that best suits you and your bodily chemistry. Being one to jump at anything in the likeness of free and of quality, I headed straight to the mall after work on my birthday.

Apparently, I am of a type Full Spectrum #9: an emulsion of cedarwood, ylang-ylang, and some other rich, herbal, exotic ingredients. Mmmm. I love it. The battle was between this and an Earth Nature scent, I believe, one more citrusy and fruity. I'm glad I chose this. It is equally very musky, earthy, mysterious, sensual, profound, and poignant. The scent easily transports me to memories of staying in bamboo huts in some hidden resort for the summer, the beach a few minutes' walk away; palm trees swaying all around me, the wind blowing gently, trees and leaves swaying and moving, sarong blowing in the wind, waves crashing distantly on the shore... laying lazily on the sand sometimes, then traversing the endless sands, crossing a meandering stream, diving and feeling the salt water engulf my body as I plunge into the bottom of the ocean. Sigh. I miss those days. Anyway, I also ended up getting a $14 bottle of detox tea leaves. Why, you ask, that's preposterous! Well, I've been looking for good detox tea for AGES and this was exactly what I was looking for.

Chapter 2: The Body Shop

Let's just say I made the most out of my celebratory Birthday budget in this place. Next...

Chapter 3: The Lady in Pink

If I hadn't made it clear yet, these are all things that happened April 25th.... MY DAY :D It was the first time I celebrated my birthday like that. Very laid back, no big fuss, really. And it was great. Pause for a stop at Seattle's Best Coffee for my favorite Raspberry Italian Soda with a touch of cream. Yum. That day was the first day in my life I wore a flower in my hair, going out in public. It was a dusty pink flower to match my top, and I daresay I looked pretty :P Anyway, this chapter is named so not out of vanity, because I am not talking about me... Strawberry Cheesecake, Strawberry Ice Cream Cake, a bouquet of flowers, balloons, and a card later :)))... I am talking about Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. It was such a fun and lovely movie. I really enjoyed it.

Chapter 4: Regression #1 (as if the rest of these chapters aren't) - And They Loved It

Rewind to Tuesday the week before, third to the last session of our Musical Theatre workshop at the Zach Scott Theatre. I sang my rendition of They're Playing Our Song. And whoa, they LOVED it! I wasn't expecting that kind of applause nor that kind of performance from my end. But well they loved it. I didn't know what to say and still don't. I suppose I AM outgrowing all the dramatic, serious type songs and am really beginning to show more of who I am in my work, or at least when I'm not acting and just being myself. I used to be the dramatic, pretty song type of person, but now I find myself attracted to the happy, carefree, rhythmic type of songs. I guess that's just me or who I've become. It goes to show how much I've gone out of my shell, I believe. And I think it's the same for Michelle, my colleague in the workshop. She gets all these prissy songs. It's just her. As are fun, quirky songs with personality me. I'm so sick and tired of wanting to "sound pretty" or please others. I just want to be me. I suppose it's natural for us to want to make other people happy. But really, we have GOT to realize that we must make ourselves happy first in order to make other people truly partake in true happiness. In other words, you can't give what you don't have!

Chapter 5: No I'm not married to my work, but I do love it

Just a quick rundown - Brad gave me a new account. I've only been, what, 2 months on Nestle (our biggest client, I might add), and he's giving me a new account. Time Warner. Shauna, Time Warner's account manager, presented my report prototypes to them yesterday. And this is what she said they said or whatever: The meeting went great. They were very impressed with what they saw. I heard the comment "This looks like the sky is the limit, it's great." So much for Brad's slants. Yes, Brad, boss or not, I still OWN you, hahaha! >:) And Ry, your free SI
subscription looks promising ;)

Also, I managed to finish Brad's requested article on Excel Dashboarding yesterday. After the roll he was on that morning (him and his slants, especially, I swear he must be on something or he's PMS-ing :P) , I started to get just a little worried as he got more serious, especially after reading my article, I think... I got worried he didn't like it, though he would say it was awesome. Even when he gave me the news on Time Warner, he looked grave. Or maybe he just ran out of energy (thank God) :D I hate being overly analytical sometimes, it could be such a bane.

Chapter 6: The Week Past and the Week Ahead

So basically, this week was HELL week for me. I was SO busy, Brad began to tease me, as when Shawna asked me if I had time to go over some KCAN reports with her, he said, no she does not... why don't you try Monday? Evening? Hahaha, very funny. Brad would practically pant when I'd run through my to do list for him, and Ruth would say "You still here?" affectionately in the morning when she'd come in. It's a Taurus thing, this workaholism. But I do like to have fun ;) It just so happens I love what I do and I respect the people around me a great deal (yes, even if I OWN them hahahaha). Also, I'm presenting to the Sr. VP of Pepsi this Monday with Bruce (our CEO) and Tom (Team Manager of Account Management)! Exciting! Dad's coming on Saturday. Gotta pick him up from Houston. Man will that be fun. I bet this week will be another busy week, plus preparations at home. We'll see. I know I'll survive and that all will be well. Oh, and the concert! It's this Tuesday! Oh God... Oh well. Whatever :) I have more to tell later on about my dream and my personal legend. I've said enough today ;) Anyhow, I'll see you when I see you...

CIAO :D