Just Curious

I've been an active blogger lately, moreso as a reader than as a writer. And so I must put forth the somewhat inevitable question: When YOU write entries for your blog, do you write for yourself or for others/an audience?

Which Greek Goddess are you?

Meme/quiz time - Heh, surprise, surprise.

Read more about Athena.

Take the quiz again.

Return to the Women in Greek Myths Homepage

Read more about Aphrodite.

Take the quiz again.

Return to the Women in Greek Myths Homepage

Train Wreck

I am nothing short of this very apt song and title. And those of you who know me well would know that this very title means so much more to and about me than what it seems. My mentors, or rather, their works of art, seem to be haunting me down lately ;)

Ah, to tame... not as in to subdue but to support and complement, to love and to need, to kindle and to sustain, to risk and to falter, only to rise again...

Train Wreck
by: Sarah Mclachlan

Would your love in all its finery
tear at the darkness all around me
until I can feel again
until I can breathe again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

Would your eyes like midnight fireflies
light up the trenches where my heart lies
until I can see again
to find my way back again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

To fall so deep into you
lose myself completely
in your sweet embrace
all my pains erased

From your mouth its all that I wish
the mercy of your lips just one kiss
until I can breathe again
so that I can sing again

Cause Im a train wreck waiting to happen
waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
a wild fire born of frustration
born of the one love that gets me so high
Ive no fear at all

Midnight Ramblings

There is nothing more delicious than being up just past the witching hour, when everything just seems to automatically meld into the background, the sound of the clothes dryer quietly whirring away, chugging away, contributing quietly to the milieu that surrounds... laid back chillin' music playing in the background (*wink, wink* atcha, Chit ;)) - you find an unexpected clarity - you can extract sound from noise effortlessly, and you are suddenly aware of a continuous stream and flow of words and thoughts through your mind, the blood through your veins... and before you know it, your heart pulsates rapidly, your head is transformed into a racing speedway, neurons racing, and you feel your hands just can't keep up, with the little glimmers of dust that have been transformed into gold... the "elusive orchestra", as it were (kudos to Joyce and G for that).

It is times like these when Joyce Johnson's words are at the epitome of their truth. When an artist - may it be a painter and his canvas or a writer and his quill or a musician and his guitar - feels just that initial burst of inspiration, the muse suddenly reveals himself/herself... and then the struggle begins. Run! Try! Catch that elusive butterfly. Oh, if I become one with this butterfly, play with this orchestra as one, harmoniously, just once in my life, I shall want nothing more.

"It was as if a muffled orchestra played inside my head at such a distance I couldn't quite get all of what was playing. There were all these notes and rhythms not yet imbued with sense, but suggesting it, calling it into being. I'd write sentences in my notebook and sometimes get very close to this orchesta. Other times it would trick me and vanish around corners, leaving trampled words that made thin, whistling noises when I read them over. I'd be convinced the orchestra would never play again, but then it would resume as if it had never stopped - I'd simply failed to reach it." ~ Joyce Johnson (Thanks so much for sharing this wonderful quote with me, G, I think you have yet to realize just how much it hit me :)).

Ambrosia for the Insomniac

It's been the same, like this, lately. Drop dead at 6pm, wake up at 4am, aching for words and music... same shit, different day. Kind of. Today, it's just the opposite - it's 11pm and I'm still awake. And I've been up since 4. What's up with that? I'm dog-tired but can't sleep. And just as a word of warning, don't be surprised if this entry doesn't make sense. I don't intend it to. I just need to write. I have this insatiable appetite gnawing away at my insides for the written word, and that I use my hands to help quell it, so here it is.

As it is, music and words form what is my ambrosia. I get this odd, natural high everytime I hear a snippet of good, grounded, unadulterated music, whenever I catch a glimpse of an excerpt of good prose, when I am in a room, hall, or building so full of books that the air is filled with the musty smell of old, yellowed, tattered pages, quietly carousing through every aisle, enjoying the sight, smell, and sound of flipping pages with respectful fingertips, or when I am just... writing.

But you know, we are the very ambrosia that the Big Man Up There, the fates, or the powers of the universe feed upon. Aren't we? We are creatures so wrapped up in our arrogance, we end up simply entertaining - we fail to realize how little things coalesce into one universal purpose - the master plan - as others call it and fail to realize how best to achieve that purpose. In this movie (the name of which escapes me now), there's a line that goes - fate can only get you so far but when you get there, it's up to you to achieve it, or something like that. Free will determines whether or not we fulfill our dreams. If we decide to fuck it all up then inevitably, we do. But if we choose to take the risks we need to take and set our heart on something, then we will get what we want as its meant to be. Heh. I'm such a stickler for hopeful romanticism. And I probably always will be.

I've always envied people who seem to be born with a clear cut purpose. Like Einstein who is arguably the greatest physicist of all time. Or Jewel, the writer/singer/songwriter. Or Oprah Winfrey, the Queen of Talk. What about me? Is it simply because I am fully aware of the fact that there are SO MANY possibilities out there for me? Or am I simply in denial - afraid to pursue the very depths of my heart's desire because I am so afraid of failing? Well shame on me if it is the latter. If there is anything worth pursuing and risking all I live for, it should be my ultimate dream/s.

I am definitely looking forward to my time away and alone (with Heidi, and hopefully Ryan) in Cali this September. God knows I need it. I need to rethink and reevaluate everything I've accomplished so far and how I can get to what I have planned for the future. I'm weird. I'm a go with the flow type of person but I also like making plans. And I like to move and shake things a bit just for extra fun :D

There's a point in your life when you realize that life is YOUR ambrosia, my friends. Life is at your disposal. Make the most out of it.

For the One Out There

I don't know why, but I just have the need to post the lyrics of this song on here. Maybe I just have a need to vocalize what I want out of life once more. You know who you are though I may not; I know you'll understand, and someday I will.

Kiss The Flame by Jewel

Please love let's make no impartial vow
Let all fall away, that's not crucial now
I want a brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams
'Cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these
thieves
Of all these unbelievers
who whittle love down at the knees
Let these swift roads destroy themselves
Let the world fall into its sleep
For we shall be spared
We shall be left standing
To face what's left of concrete and honey

Kiss the flame
Let's run with the hunted, the untamed
Kiss the flame
Embrace the faceless, the unnamed
Kiss the flame

There are nightmares on the sidewalks
There are jokes on TV
There are people selling thoughtlessness
with such casualty
But wherefore art thou Romeo
where have all the brave men gone
Show me one man who know his own heart
To him I shall belong

Kiss the flame
Let's run with the hunted, the untamed
Kiss the flame
Embrace the faceless, the unnamed
Kiss the flame
Kiss the flame
Kiss the flame
Please love let's make no impartial vow

Amen.

Walking On Ahead: The Neoterics - An Unofficial Review

Striking lyrics and catchy tunes. Remarkable depth in simplicity. Laid back yet strikes at the core. Everyone, meet the Neoterics, my new favorite band.

But what is a Neoteric? You would think that since it's got the prefix "neo," it should be like in the meaning of new. So, let's see what my friend, the hyperdictionary, has to say:

\Ne`o*ter"ic\, Neoterical \Ne`o*ter"ic*al\, a. [L.
neotericus, gr. ?, fr. ?, compar. of ? young, new.]
Recent in origin; modern; new. ``Our neoteric verbs.''
--Fitzed. Hall.

Some being ancient, others neoterical. --Bacon.


\Ne`o*ter"ic\, n.
One of modern times; a modern

And yes, this is something fresh and new, though the lyrics and thoughts imbued in their tunes may have been existent for a much longer period of time. If you want something different, something unadulterated, reminiscent of times before the greatest artists succumbed to what is popular rather than what is true, then this music is for you. Their songs are all on my iPod with an equal rating of 5 stars even, something not even my favorite singer-songwriter of all time can boast of ;) Granted one of their lead vocalists/guitarists is a friend of mine, so I might be biased. But at worst, these folks have a very undeserved minimum of 4 stars.

Concheeta, don't be "too busy for me", now... you guys ROCK! You make me want to regroup and start a band again! I hope to see you in NYC!

My horoscope for the day and I miss my friends

Ok, I'm back for now. Look at my horoscope for today - just what I needed to hear:

The Bottom Line

You must be present to win. So if it's important to you, make sure you show up.

In Detail

You're the epitome of courtesy and thoughtfulness right now, and your ability to take in everyone's needs along with your own makes you the ideal go-between. You're able to figure out solutions to knotty problems and spy detours that make the journey more pleasurable than the ultimate destination. If a bad situation comes along, you can make it better. If a good situation comes along, you can make it fantastic.

I'm not really into daily horoscopes and divinations of the future. But this one really caught my eye. Sometimes that's all you need to hear - simple, little words of encouragement - when you feel so lost in the trees and can't see the forest. That's what it's been like for me the past few weeks. I feel like I'm in Development ;) Sometimes you do dig a hole for yourself in doing so well that when you commit one minor mistake or overlook one little thing (not that it's really your fault), you feel like you fail miserably. I knew succeeding was a double-edged sword, and I sure as hell don't want to disappoint. The thing is I want to stand out, I want to do well... but I also need to ask myself if I am prepared for the consequences of being out there. People tend to expect so much more out of you. All they do is want and want, not knowing what that entails. I need to remind myself that I am not alone. Chris is there, Brad is there, God is there, my friends are there. But sometimes, it just feels like I am alone in that dusty road, at the mercy of the careless wind, dust devils teasing my tense nerves, and the goal seems so far away, unseen obstacles lying hidden between.

So yes I have been stressed and harrassed, not just with work, but with everything else. I would say I hit depression hard core. I am learning much more about myself though. My coping mechanisms, the way I really deal with pressure, the way I interact with people. I am learning loads about my EQ for sure and I am not happy with some of the things I'm seeing. One thing I hate the most is when I get so much work to be done, I keep on saying I can do it when in truth, I can't, anymore - and then I seal myself in my own little world till I hit breaking point, get harassed, stressed, depressed, what have you. I don't communicate, I just stress out. I would say this is my greatest weakness. However, under pressure I also develop my most creative, outstanding ideas! And I also get a lot of work done. See how this is tough for me? Bleh.

All this has made me think back on how it was back in Manila. Damn. I MISS my girlfriends. No one... NOTHING can ever replace your girlfriends. They are the ones who will support you no matter what, who will know what to say when you are down, when you fuck up, when you don't know what to do, who will make time and put effort into spending time with you if only for coffee (something people here rarely do, it seems, sadly enough)... I can say that the time I spent with the circle of friends I had made in late Uni - Sarah, Cal, Monica, Monina - were the happiest times of my life. With them I was forced to face the skeletons in my closet and embrace the reality that I am. With them I wasn't afraid to be ME. They'd accept me no matter what. Add my theatre friends and the happy meter pops off the charts. These people naturally brought out the best in me and my god do I love these people. I think it's also because I really allowed them to get to know me and vice versa... Really, we DON'T need masks. We really deserve only those who can love us as we are. So fellow women of the world, treat your girlfriends well. No one, not even your significant other, can ever replace them. And yes, biatches if you are reading this, I so damn miss you. And when the time comes for me to tie the knot, you all BETTER be there, no matter where it is ;)