Struggling for Balance

Dear Blog,

Hurrah, this is my 100th entry!

Well, hello there. I've missed you so much. It's totally my fault we haven't been in touch in a while. You know me, once I find a creative outlet to obsess over, I obsess over it quite a bit, until I've exhausted all my energy out of it, and then I move on to the next method of expression I fancy. I will admit that this obsession (through which I found the perfect Father's Day Present) has been rather unhealthy... though I will say that it is probably because that part of me has been dying to come out since its dormancy 4 years ago. I think I just needed to get it out of my system.

Naturally, this isn't the only thing that's been sucking my time away. Things out here have finally begun to take off! I signed my first account last week. I don't do sales per se (*shudder*), but I do get some nice perks for getting more business for our company. I like to think that my job helps people and makes them look good. I think that's what I enjoy the most and where I will find fulfillment: Helping others and making people happy.

Amazingly, I find myself again at a crossroads, which is why I re-watched Patch Adams tonight. I love that movie, mainly because I've always acknowledged the possibility of being a doctor. I know I'm 26 now and that I have a wonderful job... but this underlying possibility has always stayed put because in my opinion, there is no better way to help people with their lives directly (and literally). To help heal. Wow. I can't imagine anything more fascinating. If this were to happen, though, now that I have my wits about me, I don't see myself pursuing anything until I am in my 30's. I'm still searching right now. And of course, there's business, and then there are books and the stage. I don't want to hold back anymore. And I think diving into lit and theater will, strangely, give me the true fulfillment I need. I look at being a doctor as a profession - something for the mind primarily, as it were; and my heart hungers for words, books, the thrill and expression of the stage. I definitely know this is something I will pursue before I even do anything about becoming a doctor. That's a great start.

Sometimes, I envy people who seem just so "perfect" or cut out for the part they're playing or doing (can't help the stage reference!). You know, you see someone who just seems to cut out to be a doctor or an actress or a singer and that's exactly what they've always wanted to be and they are doing it. I think it's great there are so many possibilities out there for me; but I don't know where to go, sometimes! Or maybe I do, and just not listening hard enough. It may be because I am only now beginning to let go of self-doubt and just not hold back. I don't know.

I also feel like I'm beginning to burn out at work. It's not so much the workload, but the stress of having had to deal with a move, a breakup, and all the other issues that came with it. I seriously feel that my ex (whether intentionally or not) fucked me over big time. Like a fool in love at the time, I let him. I trusted him, against my better judgment, with something real important to me, among many other things. Like most everything else placed under his care, this something was trashed and wasn't well taken care of. He was more a liability than anything else. I really felt like everytime I talked to him, the world came crashing down on me... like he just had to ruin my little happy world. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true. It's exactly how I feel.

I haven't had a vacation since I first moved here, which was mistake #1. I hit the ground running. I should have at least devoted some time to setting up. The last two times I tried to request for vacation - a request which could not be granted at the time, both times. I even couldn't take the half day holiday for the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. Holy crap, look at me vent! I really think I just need time away for awhile. I am okay, but I really am beginning to feel a bit of detachment and when I get that way, I know I need some time away to rest and rejuvenate. Or maybe I just really need to pray more. I haven't talked to God in ages. I mean deeply and sincerely and quietly talk to God.

I also miss the nightlife and friends in Austin. We'd go out for dinner most nights. I don't have that luxury here. Dining out alone is just not as much fun!

On the upside, our business here is really beginning to take off. The "feeding frenzy" has only just begun :) I will also be studying my first solo at mass today, which I am looking forward to! Also, there are auditions for "Taming of the Shrew" coming up. I'm going to try out and we'll see where it goes from there. I've thought about volunteering at the hospital or animal shelter, too. We'll see. Schrodie never found his way home. I do hope he is safe and sound wherever he is. I also need to start working on my character write up for a website my boss is starting up again. He asked me if I was interested to be a movie reviewer! There are tons of movies I'd love to see this weekend or the next. July brings the book Harry Potter 7 and the movie Harry Potter 5! I am very excited.

Last but not the least, some very special people decided to surprise me with a crazy present this weekend. To find out what it is, click here. These folks are unbelievable. Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart. I really don't think I deserve it just yet, but thank you. You are so generous.

I've been sleeping pretty late, lately; between 12 and 2-ish. I don't know why. I need to get back on track and start exercising, too. There are so many things I want to do I drive myself crazy.

I hope you are well, wherever you are, and I will definitely try to be more in touch, soon.

Love,

Jenny

Happy Father's Day

I think the vid says it all. I love you, dad and I am so proud of who you are, what you've become, and most of all, of the fact that I have YOU to call my dad. Happy Father's Day!