Gasping for Air

As usual, I emerge from nothingness in a moment of catharsis, rekindling the blog-fire that has been suppressed, pushed aside, forgotten all this while.

Hello.

It's me.

And for the nth time, I'm back.

It's true, isn't it? A lot of the times, we forget to stop and smell the roses. And while it is important to feed that hungry demon of goal and ambition in us to fulfill what we consider our life's purpose, it is equally, if not more important, to stop awhile and appreciate life as it is - our blessings, our torments, our triumphs and heartaches. Making the most out of life, after all, does not mean we singularly pursue that one goal, allocating all our available resources toward its achievement. No. It means allowing ourselves to let go and immerse our too-busy minds in the beauty of the universe.

I'm tired of wallowing. Work has not been at its best, and frankly, I defined myself by work for the longest time. True, it is very hard to sustain a degree of self-confidence and self-worth in a determinedly negative environment, but does that mean we stop trying? If we don't find ourselves a fit in a particular "job description," does that mean we are a failure? Am I really that arrogant to think I can do *anything*?

Two things have been going against me, I think:
1. My refusal to ask for help. And if I were to accede with brutal honesty and answer the question why, I have one word: PRIDE.
2. Recently, my good intentions almost always lead to something BAD. I don't know why, and I don't know if it's related to #1. But I think a lot of it has to do with my diminished self-confidence post-Brad. If you have been an avid reader of my blog, you will know that Brad is my beloved ex-boss, whom I absolutely adored and considered my mentor, pseudo-dad, and friend. And for him to suddenly turn cold on me "for the sake of professionalism", and worse, continuously act like I don't exist, kills me to the core. It is so easy to speculate on what recent circumstances have done to him, and I doubt I will ever know the truth. But I really believe that paradigm shift or not, that is no way to treat someone you were supposed to be "the biggest fan of."

I am at a loss right now on how to deal with people. It is true that people's true colors really come out in times of adversity, and man is this one. For a supposed people person, I am very confused, and it's probably because I have never had to deal with such circumstances in the workplace. It would be so easy if it were personal life - you can scream and yell and bitch and moan all you want but at the end of it, you can kiss and makeup and that person will not think less of you. Unless they were a girl/boy friend or a fairweather friend :) At work, make a wrong move, and your reputation that took you months and years to build is tarnished instantly. And you have all this politicking!

I see that my last entry was way back in January. A quick recap of work updates since then:
1. February
I was transferred to report to Bruce, our CEO.
Lots of tension built up in IG.
Rachel and I "officially" fell apart. Both our faults, I think. I don't think either of us did the best of jobs dealing with a poorly executed project. I think what sucks the most is we were very good friends before, sisters, even. I tried to seek amends, but she didn't want to, which introduced me to a whole new (real?) side of her. I am ever the optimist, believing the best of people (which is ironic, given my childhood). Even if people were hearing/saying negative about her, I'd always defend her, saying she only had the best intentions. She has always been politically savvy, and maybe she has simply gotten the better of me. I don't know. But it really is too bad. We had lots of fun times.
Dan moves to AR.
3. March
I move to Rogers.
I think this is when things started to officially go downhill in AR. I think Dan and I feed off each other's negativity. I moreso off of Dan. I've always been the positive type, and Dan the cynical realist. And it's hard to retain positivity when I have issues, myself.
2. April/May
I adopt two beautiful kitties - Boots and Bella - and meet Alex, a very beautiful and intelligent, but troubled neighbor. She is able to give me some insight on why we are not happy on where we are at.
I get moved to Account Management and report to Tom. I'm still trying to find my rapport with Tom. RW3's upper echelons really equates to "the good ole boys' club." I think Tom is a great guy and a good manager, but I must admit that Brad really spoiled and protected me from a lot of what's out there.
3. June
I fly to Manila to celebrate Sarah's beautiful wedding. What a wonderful reprieve. I spent 3 wonderful weeks with family and friends. A lot of wounds heal. Some are left scabbed, but finally left alone.
4. July
It's time to fight for positivity. I fight for it everyday, up to now. And I am studying for my GMATs. I'd say a lot of my motivation now comes from outside of work - Graduate school, family, and friends. But I am still not happy.
5. August
The one question lingers: How do you know when YOU have an issue adapting to change or if something is just not the right fit?
Studying for the GMAT, visiting and researching on schools.
I decide to try with Chris, who seems to have grown far more than I have the past couple of years.
It's an everyday struggle - how do I deal with the situation and not compromise and lose myself in the process? I simply want to do good, and be good. I still don't know how. Not yet, anyway. Maybe it's a lesson I stubbornly refuse to learn. Maybe I just always expect things to work out a certain way, according to ME. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I should just get a grip and learn to let go and adjust.

A lot of things are churning in my head right now, if you can't already tell. I'm a bit confused workwise. But thankfully, I'm pretty focused outside. I think God's trying to tell me something. I have a feeling he's putting me here so I can learn my lesson now AND push me to be able to move on and pursue graduate school and move to a bigger city (you know what I'm talking about!). He probably knows I would never have the strength to leave RW3 if I still had that strong bond with Brad. I just hope I am able to overcome my many shortcomings - impatience, selfishness, pride, and stubbornness.

This is all so very humbling.

But I know, love will get me through to the end: from Him, from family, and from people who genuinely care for me. Hopefully, I'll be able to give as much - or even more - than I receive.


I really am just trying to be the best I can be. I desperately want to be that. I want to be a good person. At work, at home, and anywhere in between.

(Apologies for tonight's incoherence. I am in an unusual and convoluted state of mind.)

God Bless.