The Piercing Retires

After 2 years and 10 months, the piercing finally retires. I had it put in Valentine's Day - February 14, 2004 after wanting one since high school. It was nothing extraordinary, especially here in Austin's San Francisco like vibe - just a simple left nostril piercing, with a bezel set-stud. But, it had all the special meaning in the world for me.

One little unconventionally placed piece of jewelry meant all the defiance, rebelliousness and headstrong-ness I'd been wanting to scream out and display to the world since the time my parents separated and my mom began her slow descent into hell. I'd always told my parents jokingly "you guys are so lucky to have kids like us; given our situation, we could have easily slid into drugs, quit school, and all the nasty things that comprise a parent's worst nightmare." Instead, my brother and I learned what *not* to be, realizing it made no sense to cut our noses to spite our face.

In my opinion, I was always a damn good daughter. Sure, I went through a time where I just didn't care, but I recovered after that, realizing my future, as well as my mom's and brother's, laid entirely in my hands. High school was the worst for me - puberty, mom acting up, and a change in environment (I transferred to an all girls' school) all rolled into one. That was the time the beatings started, and mom was determined to stay by her "best friend" no matter what it took. Sophomore year was also the time her best friend decided to have a little fun with me; I was molested at 14. And of course, my mom took his side, saying I was just inventing stories like that so she would get rid of him. She never did. I think he was the worst influence on her: he continuously convinced her that her children were conniving against her, he allowed her to wallow in self-pity and drunkenness, didn't stop her from gambling to the point of having to sell a lot of the stuff in the house and steal from others (I rationalized at the time that my mother was a legitimate kleptomaniac)... I mean, really, aren't real friends supposed to watch out for you and want what's best for you? Ironically, in high school, I was at the full flower of my intelligence. I knew I was smart, a thought confirmed by the fact that my IQ test showed I was "superior." My coping mechanism though was the death of me, even if I'd make up for it later on. I'd miss school just because I didn't want to go there. It didn't matter whether it was a regular school day or finals; I was simply so depressed when I was there. I'd get failing grades every 1st trimester, but miraculously make up for them by the 3rd - so much so that I was never sent to summer school, unlike others. Everyone also gave me a hard time about not showing up, including the principal, several times. But none of them knew, and I could never really explain what was going on. My friends thought it was my weight that kept me "sickly," not knowing what was really going on. I was at my heaviest at the time (ha, big surprise). But other than that, I did nothing wrong. I tried terribly to forge my rather uncomfortable relationship - any relationship, at all - with my father. I loved him dearly, even moreso than my mom, some would argue, but I still felt betrayed about him leaving us for another woman. I felt like an outcast, an outsider. Times were even so hard with my mother (she'd gamble away all the money to the point we had no food), that she'd make me "steal" food from my father when I was younger. God, I hated my mom for that. Of course, that didn't help dad trusting me, but I was determined to earn his trust, but at the same time, I resented him and his partner for feeling *I* had to fit into their perfect little world. They had all these other plans and events, including their wedding, that my dad's other kids knew of, but not me. God I felt so like an outsider. It was the worst feeling of all. In my mind, my beloved father had become a different person. So far away and beyond my grasp. I remember crying bitterly to him right outside the repertory theatre when he first stopped going home, begging him to come back. It tore me to pieces.

Finally, college came. It was at this time I decided to consider myself more or less autonomous from my mother and father and use the lessons I'd learned growing up. It was at this time I decided to become my own person and not be a victim of my circumstances. And so, I did it. I made a lot of friends, I did well, and I was involved in a lot of organizations. College was the best time for me. I realized who my real friends were, and who the real me was. I embraced my faults and strengths. But at the back of my mind, I still needed something meaningful that I can just put out there. Something that showed the pain and sacrifice I went through but proudly show that I never succumbed into what my mom allowed herself to be. Something that was not kosher, but was still "acceptable." Something I knew some people may be against. And so, I decided on the piercing. I was with Chris at the time and if not for him, I may have never had the courage to do it. And so, I did. And here I am now.

So why is the piercing retiring?
1. I think I've laid my demons to rest. The fact that I can spurt out more or less everything that happened in the past openly like that lets me know I'm doing good.
2. I've since reconciled with my mom, and I think we're doing good. Although I may still have some trust issues with her, I also know that if anyone can help her, it's me, and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
3. I'm on my two feet and have established myself in my job. I have a growing career. And I am satisfied.
4. It's just a pain, especially when I want to do facials and crap. It gets in the way.
5. To be honest, it may be a CLM to keep it. So I'm getting rid of it, now that my position in the company is growing. As much as I hate to say it, in the business world, appearances are everything.

So, there we are. I didn't expect this entry to be this verbose and open... but I do feel an odd sense of relief and accomplishment after putting this all in writing. Cheers to the brave souls out there. I hope to meet you all someday.