BLACKOUT

I found myself the other day reminiscing about my last University performance. It was held sometime in January of my last year (2003) atop the forbidden 7th floor roofdeck of the ACB and began at sundown. I remember being strenuously ill, causing Rhea, my fabulous twin and partner in crime, to freak out, as well. I had gotten sick at the last minute. So we began our performance with a disclaimer and a Happy Birthday song. Half of "Amazing Grace" was celebrating her birthday that night, and her family was there. I was determined to make it special.

I'd say that was the most vulnerable, emotionally naked, and selfless performance of my life. For the first time, I totally wasn't afraid. I was there to share and I was going to give my all, my best. For Rhea, and for the audience. We all had a fantastic time. It was the most heartfelt moment I've ever had onstage. I'm sure Rhea would say the same. At the end of it, we hugged, we embraced, we held all our loved ones. We just knew that was going to be the last time, as relatively innocent, unworldly, hopeful and promising students, that we were going to do that kind of thing again. It was also post the Shakespeare workshop, and just like the loyal friends and absolutely fantastic friends they were, my fellow Shakespeare alumnae were all there in full force. Our practice tape (which I had successfully nicked before leaving for the States) is at fault for conjuring up these memories. And I realize now that for all the challenges I had met with during my last year at University, I was truly and undoubtedly happy.

I found myself browsing my University's website, today. It brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of where I come from, a fledgling, promising University whose students are a world apart from what the rest of society seems to stereotype them to be. It was there that I made some of the best friends a girl could ever have, and made friends with some of the best people one could ever meet. And academically, it is certainly building quite a reputation for itself. What especially brought out an overwhelming surge of emotion in me is the page that talked about the MA in Humanities, specialising in Literature or History... the course that I wanted to switch to, before going to IT Master's (whose thesis I never finished, not regrettably ;)). It is my one regret in life, folks. I SHOULD have switched. My BS degree (in IT) would have gotten me "fed", anyway. God, I knew I had saturated the experience come end of 4th year. I don't think I'll get over this burden until I accomplish the MA I so desperately desire in England.

I've been researching about schools and courses and get depressed every time... they all seem to require (or expect) at least an English degree beforehand. Plus, it really is tougher if you are working and want to go back to School. All your money, instead of getting saved towards what you want to do, goes to bills. I won't lose hope, though. I refuse to do it.

You know, when I first chose my University, I had a feeling my father resented me for it. I rejected going to his Alma Mater (one of the best in the country) and instead took a chance with a young yet promising University like mine. To this day, I thank God for that decision. So the lesson here is, DO NOT LET ANYTHING - whether it be the norms of society, what others "higher than you" say, or whatever - DISSUADE YOU FROM PURSUING THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART. Be true to yourself. It takes courage, yes. But you'll never, ever have the rough burden I am now having to deal with - the pain of regret.

I just want to wallow and let out the pangs of my heart, today. But I swear and promise, this is the last time I'll ever do this to myself. Ever.