Ambrosia for the Insomniac

It's been the same, like this, lately. Drop dead at 6pm, wake up at 4am, aching for words and music... same shit, different day. Kind of. Today, it's just the opposite - it's 11pm and I'm still awake. And I've been up since 4. What's up with that? I'm dog-tired but can't sleep. And just as a word of warning, don't be surprised if this entry doesn't make sense. I don't intend it to. I just need to write. I have this insatiable appetite gnawing away at my insides for the written word, and that I use my hands to help quell it, so here it is.

As it is, music and words form what is my ambrosia. I get this odd, natural high everytime I hear a snippet of good, grounded, unadulterated music, whenever I catch a glimpse of an excerpt of good prose, when I am in a room, hall, or building so full of books that the air is filled with the musty smell of old, yellowed, tattered pages, quietly carousing through every aisle, enjoying the sight, smell, and sound of flipping pages with respectful fingertips, or when I am just... writing.

But you know, we are the very ambrosia that the Big Man Up There, the fates, or the powers of the universe feed upon. Aren't we? We are creatures so wrapped up in our arrogance, we end up simply entertaining - we fail to realize how little things coalesce into one universal purpose - the master plan - as others call it and fail to realize how best to achieve that purpose. In this movie (the name of which escapes me now), there's a line that goes - fate can only get you so far but when you get there, it's up to you to achieve it, or something like that. Free will determines whether or not we fulfill our dreams. If we decide to fuck it all up then inevitably, we do. But if we choose to take the risks we need to take and set our heart on something, then we will get what we want as its meant to be. Heh. I'm such a stickler for hopeful romanticism. And I probably always will be.

I've always envied people who seem to be born with a clear cut purpose. Like Einstein who is arguably the greatest physicist of all time. Or Jewel, the writer/singer/songwriter. Or Oprah Winfrey, the Queen of Talk. What about me? Is it simply because I am fully aware of the fact that there are SO MANY possibilities out there for me? Or am I simply in denial - afraid to pursue the very depths of my heart's desire because I am so afraid of failing? Well shame on me if it is the latter. If there is anything worth pursuing and risking all I live for, it should be my ultimate dream/s.

I am definitely looking forward to my time away and alone (with Heidi, and hopefully Ryan) in Cali this September. God knows I need it. I need to rethink and reevaluate everything I've accomplished so far and how I can get to what I have planned for the future. I'm weird. I'm a go with the flow type of person but I also like making plans. And I like to move and shake things a bit just for extra fun :D

There's a point in your life when you realize that life is YOUR ambrosia, my friends. Life is at your disposal. Make the most out of it.